YES It’s ME

By now you have probably read my personal Facebook post and know – It’s ME – Robin Saddler! I was very nervous and excited to admit that this blog is truly mine. It’s a very vulnerable, terrifying and liberating feeling.  It went live last week under my grandmother’s maiden name, Margaret Leeds. My grandmother suffered from depression so it seemed only natural to use her name.  I have long dreamed of writing a book and using her name as my “pen” name. I’ve been writing privately for years and even had a story published in Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul during college. If I could manifest anything for myself – I would write a book and be recognized by Oprah Winfrey. She’s my idol – she speaks her truth with honor, respect, and dignity.  She acknowledges her past but forgives her past and herself.  She inspires me with her words. Someday, maybe I hope to inspire her with my words.

Initially when I first launched this blog, I was excited and relieved. I’ve tried doing this for over a year and just couldn’t muster the courage. By using a pen name, I knew deep down I just wasn’t being authentic to myself or anyone reading the blog.  It took a panic attack, a painful implant, a migraine and a ton of life stress to finally spur me to fight the fear and be REAL.  I was also deeply saddened by the news of Kate Spade. It doesn’t seem fair! She built an amazing empire but yet didn’t seek HELP!  She didn’t want anyone to know of her struggles. She would have been amazing to tell her story and inspire anyone suffering.  If I can help even one person with my own messy journey, then it’s worth being exposed. I was told once that I am a wounded healer.  I will no longer be embarrassed or ashamed because I have anxious feelings. ACCEPTANCE is key.  I will accept my anxious feelings and learn to practice self compassion.  I watched the movie “A Wrinkle in Time” last night and during that movie I learned a valuable life lesson from Oprah (of course).

• Embrace your faults.
• You are beautiful just as you are.
• You have to go toward the pain/fear to heal.

So my friends, I am embracing my faults. I get very anxious feelings sometimes, I have panic attacks, I worry a thousand what ifs, I have some OCD/perfectionism, I worry what people think, I hold onto too much BS, I’m currently trying to face my fears (which is NOT fun), and I’m trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

If you haven’t seen the movie “A Wrinkle in Time” go see it and EMBRACE YOUR FAULTS! Thank you for following me!

Today I am writing about self compassion… Which I need to have way more of? I think we all do? Especially as moms, wives, employees, etc…  We are expected to be able to do everything all the time and post these perfect posts on social media. Well guess what – it’s not perfect. Life is hard and messy and wonderful and amazing all at once.  The problem with having anxiety, the hard and messy times become much bigger.

My stupid dental procedure (literally one week ago) has caused some complications (partly because I didn’t follow all post surgery instructions) and partly because I don’t have self compassion for myself.  I don’t have patience. I want to feel better when I expect to (it has to be on my timeline). Hence the perfectionism thing I mentioned in an earlier post.  So after two days, I chose to eat and chew and do more than I was supposed to, and now a week later, I’m in a lot pain and very anxious because I don’t feel good.  Granted I am a big baby when it comes to pain (especially dental pain).  But somehow I handled two c-sections like a rock star.  I don’t know why the dentist crumbles me into a big baby.  The antibiotic has made me feel sick and all I want is a glass of wine (which I can’t have). Now my husband is about to travel for the rest of the week and my anxiety is spiking and a thousand what ifs are crossing my mind. OK more than crossing my mind – circling, spinning, running, flipping, jumping… What I need most right now instead of letting the thoughts spin is to practice self care and self compassion!

So what is self compassion? 

Self Compassion is an extension of kindness, care, warmth, and understanding (instead of beratement and criticism) toward oneself when faced with shortcomings, inadequacies, or failures.  It is the care and nurturing of we offer ourselves, or come short of a goal we were hoping to achieve. It is the acknowledgement of our pain, and the rejection of the notion that we should just “tough it out.” Having self compassion means to honor and accept your own humanness and accept that in life, you will encounter a number of unfortunate circumstances, sometimes where you’re the one at fault. Self compassion is having grace for oneself.  

Some tips for practicing self compassion:

1. Acknowledge your pain – Notice when you’re hurting and allow yourself to mourn the fact that you are not perfect. Resist the temptation to pretend like nothing’s wrong or that your feelings don’t matter.
2. Adopt a perspective – View the world through the lens of a best friend or caring individual. When you’re tempted to be self-critical or judgemental, try to speak to yourself as someone who cares about you would; consider what they might say to encourage you.
3. Practice – Being self compassionate is not an innate quality, and it’s often learned in our family of origin.  As adults, we can choose to practice this skill until one day it feels like second nature.

Good Morning!  I write this post as I drink my morning coffee. I try not to drink too much as you know too much caffeine can make you more anxious.  In this crazy world we live in these days it’s no wonder we all get anxious. We are tied to our electronic devices. We communicate through our phones and text messages. The beauty of human interaction is gone in today’s society.  The world has changed so much and is so scary. So it’s no wonder we all get anxious. But if you are prone to anxiety – it’s much worse. As I ponder my anxiety and drink my morning coffee and continue to be anxious about being anxious… I think of my one of my oldest friends – she is going to a funeral today.  One of her friends has died of Cancer. I hate the word cancer.  She had young children and now those children don’t have a mom.  She had stage 4 breast cancer and passed away last week. It doesn’t seem fair. BUT – it also has me thinking…. What do I really have to be anxious about? What if I took more control of my anxiety? What if I turned my what ifs into something positive? What if I just took control and instead of letting the anxiety control me?

I read this quote this morning and wanted to share:

Morning Coffee

So you want to be Happy?  Then stop letting things ruin your entire day. If you are feeling stressed, ask yourself “Will this matter one year from now?”  If yes, then do something about it.  If no, then let it go. If you are bored with your daily routine, do something unexpected, be spontaneous. Never complain about being alone when you’re surrounded by people who actually care about you.  Appreciate them. Be grateful. Forget all the drama and let go of all grudges you have been holding. Take risks for once. Let yourself be happy, because you deserve it.  Sending you all a cup of love. 

Perfectionism is the desire for everyone and everything to be perfect. Order. Balance. Control.

(From the book Yoga for Anxiety) – Perfectionism is a force that stomps on compassion and squelches happiness. A relentless pressure, perfectionist thinking doesn’t have a clue about your inherent value, so it gives you strict guidelines about how to make yourself into a good-enough somebody.  No wonder, its closely linked to anxiety.  If you  suffer from wanting to be perfect (or wanting everything around you to be perfect), you have recurring thoughts about following rules; meeting high expectations; and reinforcing rigid, moralistic standards.  With perfectionism as a driving force in your life, you may believe that you can earn and reinforce self-worth by strict guidelines and achieving very specific results.

If you suffer from perfectionism, you may be addicted to work, having a perfect body, or being a perfect person. The urgent pressure to be perfect and the resulting isolation can cause high and chronic anxiety – and cause you to be less and less aware of your sacred essence. Although perfectionism is painful and causes high anxiety, other people may not see the perfectionist’s suffering. On the outside, it may look as though you’re highly motivated and in charge.

I have definitely fallen into the perfectionism trap.  I wanted to be perfect at work, perfect at home, perfect hair, perfect clothes, it goes on and on, etc. But inside I was worried what everyone was thinking and feared something bad would happen. I used to worry way too much what people thought of me good and bad. And also worried about something happening around me and not being able to handle it. I mentally said “I can’t” way too many times. I know that was anxiety talking. The anxiety says “I can’t” and “what if” and makes us second guess ourselves. The anxiety makes us PEE on today!  I wanted everyone to think the way I did and things to go the way I wanted/planned. When it didn’t happen the way I planned, I became very anxious.  Things don’t go as planned… Life doesn’t go as planned. Things do happen, but it’s all about how we deal with those things. It’s not about the storms going on around you, it’s about learning to play in the rain!

Going forward I challenge myself and everyone else to practice the PAUSE!

When you are anxious, say to yourself, “Breathe and let it be. I will practice relaxing my body. I will practice witnessing my fearful thoughts, and I get on my knees daily to pray not only for strength to accept life as it is but also for the ability to enjoy life as it is!”

Pee’ing on Today

I went to a yoga class once and the teacher was reading a book called the Power of Now. In the book, she said she learned how we are so worried about the past and the future, we are not living in the NOW.  We have one foot in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow – so we are literally pee’ing on today.  I have definitely been stuck in the anger and hurt from the past and also the worries and fears of tomorrow.  How do you let go of the past? AND How do you NOT worry about tomorrow? I will be honest I still get stuck on this one sometimes (more often than not). Anxiety does that to you.  It’s a scary world we live in these days and even scarier if you have kids. I would love to put my family in a protective bubble. Or wrapped in toilet paper like the old Charmin commercials. 

It really is all about control. How we think our lives should go? How we think people should behave? What we think should happen? How we think we should look? It goes on and on…. We each have our own set of beliefs and expectations.  But we have no control over anything except for how we react or respond.  We also get so anxious, we forget about self compassion.  I know it sounds crazy, but in the anxious mind, we are hardest on ourselves. I personally get really mad at myself when I get anxious, or drink too much wine (which makes me more anxious), or can’t sleep at night. My husband calls me Ground Hog day. He says I do the same thing over and over again and act like it’s the first time I’ve ever gotten anxious.  He may not understand my anxiety, but he can sure point out my anxiety (sometimes before I can) – which is VERY annoying.

I read a quote once that said it’s not about the storms going on around you, it’s about learning to play in the rain. We have control over our own behavior. Sounds easy enough, but on the journey for inner peace and having anxious feelings, it can be quite challenging at times.  How do we stop pee’ing on today? How do we have more self compassion? How do we calm the anxious mind?

Step 1 – PAUSE and Breathe

Step 2 – Self Compassion (Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?)

Step 3 – Find things you enjoy doing and then go DO it (no excuses)

Step 4 – Practice being in the NOW (Accept that the past is behind you and the future hasn’t happened yet)

Finally – STOP Pee’ing on TODAY! It makes me laugh to think about actually pee’ing on today/myself. I imagine one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow (like the game of twister) and the rain of PEE I am doing on myself today!  I probably need an umbrella for the amount of pee I do on myself/today.  Maybe I laugh because I have boys and they think all body functions are funny, but when you step back and think about it the way goofy boys do – you have to smile (even a little).  So stop pee’ing on yourself! 🙂

Analysis – Paralysis

Good Morning! Do you ever find yourself stuck in a circle of thoughts? One little thought, one little feeling, and suddenly they start spinning in circles, and before you know you have thousands on repeat.  I recently learned of the term Analysis Paralysis.  You start analyzing things so much you actually become paralyzed by it. I must admit I have definitely done this (more often then not).  I woke up this morning over tired and my traumatized implanted tooth (see previous post) hurting and found myself over analyzing.  I know some of it is lack of sleep or disrupted sleep. I don’t know about you but when I get broken sleep, I feel more anxious and uneasy.  My darling husband snored last night and one of my kids got me up in the middle of the night. And of course I still have my dental trauma… LOL…  Lack of sleep or broken sleep or even just waking up feeling off – becomes a breeding ground for Analysis Paralysis.  The what ifs start and the worries start and then the stomach starts to churn.  I started to realize I was spinning in the same negative thoughts, so I turned off my phone, turned off the TV, sat up and listened to my kids laughing down the hall and the birds chirping outside. I don’t have to be a victim in my own head.  I have been blessed with another day to start again.  The sun is shining and I know there is a pool calling my name somewhere. But the anxious thoughts are there. What ifs? I can’t exercise because of my tooth (I know it sounds silly but they said no intense exercise for 3-5 days).  I’m sure you are rolling your eyes at that one – because I sure am.  What do I do? I want to be lazy, but I want to do something? But I don’t want to do anything. And the circle continues. I could fold the laundry that’s piled up… but I don’t want to. I could do the dishes piled in the sink, but I don’t want to… I could wash some sheets or clothes, but I don’t want to. I get to this point where I feel like I have to do everything and fix everyone and I get tired of it. I want everything in order and to be perfectly in their place. Yes I may or may not have some OCD hidden in there too.  Just because I like things in their nice neat places does that make me OCD? Ok well maybe, but order in the house makes me feel better. The chaos and mess in the house literally makes me twitch. I think my family has stopped picking things up because they know I will do it. So here’s where the analysis paralysis comes to play – we think and we think and we think and we think…  We analyze until we are literally paralyzed.  Here’s my challenge to myself and to you…. STOP and PAUSE and BREATHE!  Guess what you are ok! You will get unstuck. You will feel better. I challenge us all to STOP the analyzing and tell that anxious voice to STOP. Yell at it if you have to. You will feel empowered when you yell at your anxious voice to STOP! It’s not easy, but I promise it certainly makes you feel better!

STOP……. PAUSE…. BREATHE …. AND ENJOY THE BEAUTY OF THE DAY!

I know the word trauma sounds like I am over reacting, but I just get VERY nervous going to the dentist. I even get nervous for cleanings (yes its embarrassing to admit, but admitting it is half the battle right?). I hate the idea of the my mouth being stuck open and in a chair unable to move.  I start to panic by feeling paralyzed in the dentist chair. The bright light, laying down, the sound of the machines and the drills, and suddenly the room seems to be closing in and I feel dizzy.  I’ve had my share of dental work too; two root canals, a few cavities, crowns, veneers, and now the dreaded implant.  Yes I said implant. I actually put this off for almost 5 years.  I had a root canal done about 20 years ago and it was horribly painful. Would you believe that dentist is no longer in practice and had malpractice suits.  WOW! Lucky me! Long story short, the crown on that tooth kept falling off over the years.  The dentist finally said, “you need to get an implant.” I even went and got a second opinion only to hear the same thing “you need to get an implant.” The idea of the implant terrified me and I mean terrified! Did I say terrified?!  Every time I went in for my cleanings my dentist would say the same thing “you need to get an implant.” I’d laugh and say I would make an appointment before I came back again. Guess what – I never made that appointment until recently. I decided my anxiety had started to take over my life. I was afraid to do things. I desperately wanted change but was also afraid of it at the same time. So what do you do next – You face the fear and make an appointment to get an implant. I had that implant this week. Of course, my husband was out of town – figures. One of my very good friends went with me to the appointment. I wanted to be in control and chose NOT to have the sedation. I’ve never been sedated and worried if I did I wouldn’t wake up. That’s when the what ifs started circling in my head. What if I pass out in the dentist chair? What if I have a heart attack? What if I did the sedation and didn’t wake up? What if? What if? What if? My head was spinning.  I decided to take my .25 mg of Xanax and pepto instead and bring a friend. My heart was pounding. I laid down in the chair with my legs crossed. I warned the dentist I ask questions. And man did I ask questions. I can’t look at the needle as it goes into my mouth.

Once the needles came in to numb my mouth, I cringed, worried, panicked, and just wanted it over ASAP.  I suddenly wished I had NEVER made the decision to this. Then came the extraction (removal) of my tooth. It was really stuck in there and did not come out very easy. I was numb now, but it still felt very uncomfortable.  As soon as the tooth was out, it was time to drill the hole into my jaw for the implant (aka the metal screw in my bone). Just the mere thought of a metal screw in my bone was enough to make me anxious.  The next part of this process was way more uncomfortable and actually caused me some pain. Do you know what that means? More needles and more novacaine.  The drill into my jaw was NOT FUN. I think it actually made me feel very dizzy. I should have done sedation. The more nervous and anxious I got, the more questions I asked. I could tell the dentist was getting annoyed. I think he would have preferred I was sedated too – LOL.  The feel of the drill and the sound of the drill made my heart pound. The dentist struggled to get the screw to attach to the bone. Just when he was about to give up, he got it and I was already sore. I have TMJ (yes more issues) and get lock jaw and always need a bite wing to help keep my mouth open. Doesn’t that sound fun? Let’s stick something in my mouth to keep my mouth open! UGH!  More anxiety.  I had tremendous jaw pain and a headache.  I am sure the headache was from my nerves, the xanax, and from keeping my mouth open too long. I was so ready for this process to be OVER….  The dentist finally packed it up and started with the stitches. EWWWW stitches – not fun either. Over and over in my head, I kept thinking why the hell am I doing this. My mom swore it was fine. She said it’s not as bad as a root canal. Well I beg to differ. IT HURT! I was so numb and sore when we left the office. My dear friend stayed with me for a few hours (while my anxiety started to calm). The dentist wanted me to take pain medicine (an opioid), a steroid, and an antibiotic. I was like uh no. I was worried about taking pain medicine – what if I had a reaction? My husband was out of town and I have two kids what if something happened? What if I got addicted? And the what ifs and worries continued. So I didn’t take the pain medicine. I also didn’t want to take a steroid. I was afraid of side affects and more what ifs.  So I didn’t take the steroid. Once my worries settled, I was proud of myself for facing my fear and finally doing this implant. The implant is more of a symbol of what I can do. What I have always been able to do.  A symbol of accepting myself and learning to fight through the anxiety again. I had become obsessed with finding ways just to make the anxiety go away and not be a part of me. I am learning VERY slowly one key piece of healing – ACCEPTANCE.  I have to accept I do have anxious feelings. I will always have anxious feelings. And guess what – That’s OK and I’m OK.  Now I don’t wish everyone got an implant to face their fears. But sometimes we have to go through pain to see the light.

Hello and Welcome to The Messy Journey! 

Here goes for my first post for The Messy Journey……  I appreciate you being a part of my story and adding your own.  I’m currently in search of inner peace to calm my anxious overthinking mind.  I am trying to learn that just because I have anxious feelings doesn’t mean the anxiety has to define me.  My journey to find true happiness and peace has been a very long one – so I’ve named it the “messy journey.”  The messy part means sitting with some really uncomfortable and yucky feelings for a period of time (sometimes it passes quickly and other times it likes to hang around and bother you).  This means facing fear, hurt, anger, sadness, worry, loss, or other emotions. We all know it’s so much easier to run away or have a glass of wine to take the edge of. Yet, when we do that, we aren’t listening to our own personal needs. We aren’t being true! We aren’t BEING.  Somehow over the past few years, I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost that sense of being. I’ve lost my purpose. Do you know what happens when you get lost, you get more anxious (or have more anxious feelings) and you overthink and overthink and overthink and overthink.  I have definitely mastered the art of overthinking and “what if”.  One simple thought can turn into a spiral of worry and doubts.  Anyone who has anxious thoughts knows the famous “what ifs”… What ifs pop up in any situation and at any time.  I personally have realized that once I hear myself say “what if,” I know it’s all my anxiety talking. So how do you let go and surrender to the fears and accept what is and what will be? How do you embrace your life? How do you find that inner peace to calm the anxious mind? I don’t know yet, but I’m sure trying to find out. I hope you will join me throughout this blog, because we are not alone as we go through our own messy journeys.