I must apologize for not writing sooner. I just couldn’t sit down and actually express my emotions, there was just too much going on to sit and BE. It’s funny how the most wonderful time of the year is also the most stressful.  Literally it seems like one thing happened after the other and the other and the other…. Today, January 3rd, is my dad’s birthday.  My dad would have been 78 years old today. I always called him an “Old Man” and his response was always the same – “Who are you calling an old man?”  While I know he is celebrating in heaven today, it’s very surreal to think that he passed away 3 months ago. Sometimes, I really do feel like I dreamt the whole thing and he will just send a text or call me, but he doesn’t. Since I got that call in August about my dad’s shortened life span, my anxiety has been up and down, but it’s also given me new insight into my anxiety.  As hard as I’ve tried in the past to get rid of my anxiety, I’ve learned finally it’s just part of me and that’s ok. I have a whole tool box of things to do when I feel anxious. I am finally starting to accept a part of me that I’ve always hated. I am finally starting to embrace my faults (well at least some of them). During this challenging time my “midline” has drastically increased and my ability to find the midline balance has been off. It’s amazing what stress can do to your body (then again maybe it’s the glass(es) of wine).

There are two midlines in life….

1. The midline of your emotions
2. The midline of your body

Oddly enough the two are very much connected. Let me explain. As we go through life and all of its ups and downs, we either go really high or really low, but seldom do we stay balanced in the middle (aka the midline). The ideal place to search for is to stay more content in the midline (or the middle point) and focus our attention on being at peace (even with the good, the bad, and the shitty).

The midline of your body is affected when we get either too high or too low. In my case, it’s been too low. Just too much emotionally going on and the fact that summer is over. I thrive on the sun and the heat and my flip-flops. There is nothing more healing and balancing than the summer at the beach. Now the leaves have all fallen, the skies are darker, and the temperatures are colder.  There’s an actual disorder – called SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka – I’m depressed it’s winter). Nothing stays the same. Just as we lost our summer, we gained winter, the trees and flowers will bloom once again and we gain spring. They are centered in the midline. They know with each season of ups and downs, they will end up right back where they belong and the cycle will continue.

I had a very surreal moment on my drive up to Virginia Beach to see my mom and sister for Christmas. This was the one time of year that no matter what was going on or how I felt about my father, we saw each other at Christmas. We exchanged gifts, hugs, and my boys saw their grandfather. This year, a mere three months after he passed, there was no option to see him. I felt anxious and off and couldn’t find the emotions in the weeks leading up to Christmas… so I lost my midline… Literally and figuratively. Those who know me, please don’t judge that my butt cheeks now wave hello. I haven’t exercised, I haven’t been eating right, and I love my wine. So I fought my anxiety with a new puppy and two kids and drove to Virginia. Man was I anxious…. I had a 10 week old puppy who couldn’t go to rest stops or fast food restaurants to do her business since she didn’t have all of her shots… I was so anxious my need to see my family and drive 6+ hours would hurt my precious new puppy my little girl. Guess what, while it was slightly stressful, this girl is awesome. So laid back, so loving, and so damn easy… Thank you God! Talk about meant to be.

Now to tell you about my big moment…. I’m driving home on December 26th to see my mom and sister… It takes longer because we have to make extra stops for the dog. I’m tired, I’m emotional, I’m VERY anxious, and I know I can’t see my dad. After 6 hours in the car, and about 30 minutes to go we hit A SHIT LOAD OF TRAFFIC. It’s dark and I’m tired and I have to pee (with my old lady bladder). We were so close to getting to my mom’s house and suddenly weren’t moving at all. All I could see were break lights and my anxiety went WTF. I pulled up WAZE and suddenly my drive was just extended by 40+ minutes… I hit my head on the stirring wheel, looked at my kids cuddling our puppy in the back seat, and felt my bladder twitch. It was dark at this point. I looked up and said “You know what Dad I haven’t asked you for much in my life, please part the traffic like the black sea.” I said it in jest sort of. Suddenly my eyes filled with tears and I started moving… the traffic miraculously disappeared. Tears and this overwhelming feeling of someone watching out for me and guiding me took over. I felt this moment where I had this extra guardian angel, someone thankful for all that I sacrificed for them. I was suddenly ok. My waze app went from 40+ minutes to 10 minutes of traffic to none. The seas were parted and the traffic cleared for me. WOW – that’s all I could think as tears streamed down my face. My father, finally, gave me comfort. I can’t explain how the traffic disappeared and I won’t get too holier than thou. But I truly believe, in that moment, my father said “I got you!” (Those were words I never heard from him as a kid). I finally didn’t feel anxious. I felt OK! I felt like I was on the midline. I felt balanced, I felt even, I felt peace.

I’m hoping that my father has finally found his peace and his midline. I must say that both of my midlines need some work.  But this is a new year and a new start and a time to embrace new beginnings, a new me, and a new life. It’s time to acknowledge that you aren’t what you once were – but that’s ok. Your messy journey is continuing and you know what – you are Ok. You can find your midline of life and lose your midline of your body. I made the decision to face my fears and my sadness and write today. I also decided to stop hurting my body midline… I joined a Burn Boot Camp and start Monday – God help me..

I hope each of you can find you midline in the middle of chaos!

Happy New Year and Cheers to 2019! Embrace your new beginning.