What does it mean to really practice the pause? Do we ever really give ourselves the opportunity to just pause? We get so busy thinking, going, and doing that we forget to take a moment to pause. One of my favorite yoga teachers recently focused her class on the learning to practice the pause. Through every move and every step, we stopped and paused. We held the pose longer to pause and to breathe. How often in life do we really pause? We have to be busy busy busy and constantly on our phones. I am embarrassed at how little my phone actually leaves the comfort of my hand. Our society is based on electronics and technology. We don’t talk on the phone, it’s a quick text or a social media post. A simple pause could and would definitely help us all! I know I personally don’t practice the pause and I’m quite sure not pausing contributes to my anxious thoughts and feelings.

How do you stop and practice the pause?

PAUSE – FEEL YOUR IN BREATH AND OUT BREATH FOR 10-15 SECONDS

This pause brings you into the moment and out of worrying about yesterday or tomorrow and back to the NOW. When you pause, you stop the circling and spinning thoughts and shift to your breath. You can regain your focus and realize how strong and amazing you really are (even if it’s only for 10-15 seconds) – that’s more than you had before. I know it all sounds great in theory. That’s probably why I have a 1,000 self-help books and motivational books that I haven’t even read. When life is crazy and throwing those wonderful curve balls at you, that is the absolute best time to pause, and the absolute hardest. As I am still going through the motions of cleaning up my father’s estate and personal matters (the great mess that it is), I have done everything BUT pause. I have not been practicing sufficient self-care.  And guess what, I’m not sleeping well, my anxious thoughts and feelings keep creeping in, my butt is definitely expanding, and I am not exercising that much. How do you get yourself moving when you feel so weighted down with the worries of the world? Isn’t it amazing how we can talk ourselves into things and out of things so easily. Anxiety pushes you to the negative and the overwhelming and anything but pausing. A bad headache and stomach ache made me pause today. I must admit I initially attempted to fight the pause, but decided it was better to try to embrace the pause. It’s ok to not feel ok. I don’t have to conquer the world every single day (like I keep telling myself). I can pause just enough to shift my perspective. And so can you! Try to practice the pause!

 

Anyone from Virginia or who has traveled through Virginia on 58 – knows Emporia, VA.  After a very long, exhausting, and emotional week to settle my father’s affairs, I was about an hour and a half into my drive back to Charlotte near Emporia when I saw the flashing blue lights behind me. As I was coasting down one of the hills on 58, my speed may have exceeded slightly over the speed limit. My son loves to fly up and down the hills and I love to see the smile across his face.  I enjoyed a moment of increased speed. The little voice in my  head warned me to be careful, but I continued along my merry little way. My thoughts were all over the place, my car was packed to the rim with my dad’s stuff, and I was thoroughly exhausted. The alarm went off at 6:30 am that morning so that we could get on the road early. We pulled out of the driveway at 7:35 am.  Yes I said we. I took my kids with me and they missed school for a week. Bad mom for sure, but in their own way, they were able to say goodbye to their grandfather.  I am confident I tortured them with my crazy emotions, my extreme need to organize everything, and making them do the schoolwork they were missing. After all – this wasn’t a normal “fun trip” to Grandma’s house. Coasting along the hills gave my thoughts a chance to pause and just enjoy the moment. I was able to just focus on the smile on my sweet little son’s face. My blissful moment was very short-lived when I passed the two parked sheriff’s cars at the bottom of the hill and fell into their speed trap.  Emporia, VA is known for their sneaky speed traps. They love out of state license plates too!  The speed limit changes from 65 to 45 to 35 to 55. As I pulled over the side of the road with my heart pounding, the blue lights flashing, I did think of using the “my dad just died card,” but decided against it. The officer gave me the normal speech – “Mam do you know how fast you were driving? The signs are clearly marked.” I tried to say that I didn’t realize the speed had changed, but it was pretty worthless, considering he walked back with a ticket.  My one son was laughing that his mom actually got pulled over and my other son was worried. My anxiety initially wanted me to focus on the negative and start swirling my thoughts around. Maybe it was everything I had been through that week, maybe I was in a different place, but  I started to laugh instead of cry. I mean seriously laugh! At this point, all I could really do is laugh. Ever since my father went to the hospital in August and received his shortened life span, I have been all over place – LITERALLY. It’s been pure chaos, nothing and I mean nothing has been simple or easy in this process. Maybe the whole death and dying thing isn’t supposed to be easy. Life isn’t supposed to be easy – it’s messy at times (sometimes more than not). And my father was not easy either. While I did actually receive a parking ticket, in the grand scheme of things, it just didn’t seem that important. For the first time ever, I was able to rationalize with myself. Somewhere in Emporia, VA, I realized that I’m not where I once was. I also realized I am not where I want to be – but I’m a lot closer….

Honor the space between no longer and not yet. 

During our messy journeys, we often lose sight of our ability to laugh and have self compassion. We don’t give ourselves the credit we deserve or practice sufficient self-care.  It’s OK to take a few steps backwards, that’s part of life and part of this process.  It’s OK to lay in bed and watch Hallmark movies. It’s OK to not be OK.  It’s OK to have emotions but it’s also OK to feel them. You can go backward to go forward. Anxiety tries to convince us we aren’t good enough or we can’t do it. Anxiety tries to tell us we are not OK.  Look at all the amazing things you have done and look how far you have come. Don’t look at where you “think you should be” because remember THE SHOULDS = THE SHITS.  We do have a choice to take a chance to make a change. And that change starts with our perspective of our own messy journey and being OK. And it’s OK to get a speeding ticket in Emporia, VA and realize you are in between!

 

This is an extra special post and slightly different from what I’ve normally written about.  My mom is “my survivor.”  She’s a survivor for a variety of reasons in my mind. The biggest and most important reason – She is an 18 year breast cancer survivor. It seemed only appropriate to write about her during the month of October and breast cancer awareness.  She was diagnosed after menopause and after being on hormone replacement therapy. The lump was detected through a self exam and later a mammogram. She exemplifies why you have to do regular self exams. It doesn’t matter the size or shape or how many kids sucked the life out of them – you need to do those self exams.

She was terrified, we all were. You hear the word cancer and it’s as if time just stops. The clock literally stops ticking.  The world and everything around it becomes a blur and nothing makes any sense. My heart goes out to anyone affected by cancer, breast cancer, pediatric cancer, and any other “C” word out there. I hope one day there will be a cure to end the pain and suffering. My mom had a lumpectomy, radiation, and chemotherapy. She lost every bit of hair on her body.  You don’t think about what that really means unless you go through it. She lost her eyebrows and most of her eye lashes. She lost her hair and wore a wig. She got very sad, and scared, and yet never once gave up. We never gave up. Oddly enough, 18 years later, I can’t remember what my anxiety was like back then and during this process. I just didn’t want to lose my mother.  The doctor actually told her she had a better chance of dying from heart disease than breast cancer. In the midst of everything, it doesn’t seem possible of ever surviving. But she did – and she still does… 18 years later. I am so very thankful to have her here on this earth with me the past 18 years. I can’t imagine not having her here to share the celebrations, the laughs, the tears, and the great moments in life. My heart breaks for anyone who has lost someone from that awful “C” word. My mom taught me how to be a mother. She taught me how to love someone more than you love yourself.  She taught me what it means to be a good mother.  She taught me how be a survivor.  She loves us unconditionally and would give us the shirt off her back. She’s that type of person. She’s my survivor.

I joined the fight against breast cancer many years ago by donating to a local charity and ordering a pink bow.  I would send those pink bows in the mail to her every year. I proudly display my pink bow on my mailbox to honor my survivor.  As the years have gone by, I’ve gotten more and more involved with this nonprofit to help raise funds and awareness for breast cancer. I am honored to be a part of this organization. I am pushed out of my comfort zone, but in a good way. We make a difference. If one person sees that pink bow and does their self exam and gets a mammogram – we have done our job.  I’ve had the unique opportunity to speak to a room of people and tell my mom’s story multiple times. It is an amazing feeling (although slightly nerve-wracking) to speak in public but it is also quite invigorating. I am able introduce my mom as my survivor.   I hope to make a real impact in the world and honor my survivor throughout my messy journey.

Now go do your self exam and get a mammogram!

-Love you Mom! xoxo

 

 

Do you ever feel like things have a funny way of catching up with you?  Well – I woke up at 5 am with a terrible stomach ache and heart burn last night. At first, I practiced my yoga breathing to calm my overactive mind. You can calm yourself with your breath. Rapid thoughts usually mean a rapid breath.  As I watched the clock, I started to think of all the things I have going on and need to do. The over thinking started…. and then came the over thinking about the over thinking which seems to always be magnified in the middle of the night. The quiet of everyone else in the house sleeping and the darkness around me only spurred my nerves even more. I didn’t google my symptoms – so that’s a plus.  It’s just been a while since I had a middle of the night anxiety attack.

I have been on autopilot for the past few months. I think the world and chaos around me – finally caught up to me. The emotions and feelings I have been trying not to feel – caught up with me in the middle of the night. The gluten and dairy I shouldn’t be eating – caught up with me.  The extra glass of wine – caught up with me.  Feelings I don’t know even know how to feel – caught up with me. There is something to say for too many distractions. I was warned to be careful not to distract myself too much. When you distract yourself too much, you don’t slow down and you certainly don’t face hard emotions or feelings or situations. And I am tired. Avoiding emotions is exhausting.

The beginning of August my father entered the hospital and we were told he had maybe 3-6 months to live. His heart was failing and I was solely responsible for his care. My kids went back to school and my non-profit work started to kick up full force, so  I was plenty distracted. The stress of my father’s condition and everything that went along with it, caused me to exercise less, eat more foods that I shouldn’t and drink a little bit more wine. My sleep has suffered too. My father fought this transition every step of the way – definitely a difficult patient. He was in denial that his life was going to end soon. I battled my own emotions with our relationship and yet at the same time the extreme need to do everything I could to help him. I was mad and sad and angry and worried. My father (with or without his faults) was in fact – my father. It was that simple. It is that simple.  I am a fixer and a helper (anxiety makes this worse) and I was determined to fix this for him. But a pending death can’t be fixed. Maybe I was in denial too. As the month of August ended – his condition and his mind were drastically changing. He was angry and bossy and trying to control anything little thing he could. Hurricane Florence was about to come through the area. Initially his location was going to be hit the hardest and in that moment of worry for this storm, my father gave up. He realized he didn’t have the power to get into his car and drive away from the storm.  Odd because he used to love to drive down to the oceanfront to either surf the waves or watch the waves as hurricanes came through.

During the month of September, I watched my father (thanks to daily face times and phone calls) slowly deteriorate. Watching this process and managing this process was emotionally draining. Suddenly, I didn’t want him to die. I made sure I did everything I could for him and talked to him every day. When he couldn’t talk, I did all the talking.  Luckily I have the gift of gab. I made sure I told him all the things I thought he needed to hear and I needed to say.  After dealing with anxiety for most of my life, suddenly I felt different, my anxiety felt different. I was facing something terribly hard and facing death (my big anxiety worry) but I was OK. I started to think maybe I am stronger than I thought. I am stronger than what my anxiety always tries to tell me. This realization came to me slowly as I was able to stay busy with my kids and their sports and non-profit work. I was still standing, I was still functioning. I had moments of sadness but I kept myself in this place of denial. I haven’t written about his death or talked about it very much. I am not good at feeling these very complex emotions yet it all caught up with me last night. No more distractions – time to just grieve and feel and know it’s all OK. Anxiety tries to tell you – you are not ok and you can’t do it. But you can do it and you are OK! I can do it and I am OK!

On Saturday, September 22, 2018, while I was talking my father’s nurse on the phone, she sent me a picture of him as she stood by his bedside.  For some reason I didn’t want to face time like I’d been doing every single day. Seconds after that picture was sent, he took his last breath. I was planning a trip the following week thinking he was going to hang in there longer. At least I was there without physically being there. This process hasn’t been easy. He hasn’t been easy. He was never easy. And death is certainly not easy. I no longer have the option to talk to him or see him ever again. This finality is the part I’ve struggled with the most and probably will for quite some time. I know he was appreciative for all that I did for him. I know he loved me and was very proud of me. I know he is now in a much better place. I know that he is now finally at peace. He is surfing some amazing waves up in heaven.  I now know that I can find my own inner peace too.  I’ll always have anxious thoughts, but I am also learning that I have some strength. And so do you! Deep inside and hiding behind that anxiety is a strong person.  I know it’s a process. Grief caught up with me last night so I would finally just allow myself to feel the many emotions circling in my head and stomach.  Sometimes the things we don’t want to deal with are very the things we have to.  And that’s all part of the messy journey. And that’s OK!

 

My son and I watched the movie a dog’s purpose last night. If you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend you consider renting it. I wish life was as simple as the movie and the way the dog “Bailey” quickly discovers his purpose with each family he visits. My anxiety earlier this year started bubbling around because I felt I didn’t know what my purpose was. I knew what I wanted to do, but I wasn’t quite sure how to get there.  How am I going to get to where I think should be? How do you get from point A to point Z when you can’t skip any steps? My kids are growing up and don’t need me as much. I found myself wishing they were little again. Time seems to be moving so quickly. I blinked and my son is now taller than me. How did that happen? Where did my little baby go? The idea that I didn’t know what my next move was made me very anxious. It’s so crazy to want change but yet at the same time be very scared of it.  I am however, learning to live in the unknown and in the uncomfortable.

Throughout this very uncomfortable process with my father and his ailing health, I have learned so much about myself and who I am. I’ve also learned about forgiveness. I had the biggest self-awareness revelation recently. Everything that has happened in my life has brought me to this very moment. This moment with my father. If I hadn’t gotten so anxious earlier this year and questioned my own thought process, I never would have started my journey of self discovery. I never would have created this blog. I never would have been able to do this without being an utter and complete basket case.  My relationship with my father has had its ups and downs over the years. We have our family dynamics (everyone does). It’s been very challenging to be responsible for the care of my father. I couldn’t push him away or run away this time, I had to stay and face it. I knew that if I didn’t help him or give him the love and support he needed, I would always regret it. My purpose has been to help my father find forgiveness in himself and in others. My purpose lately means I have to care of my father (whether I want to or not) AND I have to. It’s a unique situation being filled with so many conflicting emotions. I have compassion and empathy and frustration and anger. It’s not fair sometimes. Life isn’t fair sometimes. But it’s all about the choices we make to deal with our life and everything around us. Perspective really is amazing. One simple thought or action, can change your perspective. It’s the shift from being positive or negative.  I have chosen to take care of my father.

I received “the call” from the nurse yesterday afternoon. “The call” is the one when hospice says “he doesn’t have much longer.” You really are never prepared to hear those words. The anticipation of his impending death is quite scary to me. We have been stuck in this very uncomfortable place.  I won’t have the option to talk to him any more. I won’t have the option to visit him. I won’t  have the option to call him back later. I won’t have the option to be mad at him. I won’t have the option to hug him again. He will be gone.  He was gone a lot when I was a kid but no matter, he always came back.  He won’t be able to come back this time. And I have no control over it (anxiety hates NOT having control).  I have no control over his choices, but I do have to fix everything.

I was able to face time him last night and tell him he was going to be ok, that I forgive him and asked that he forgive me. I told him how much I loved him. I couldn’t stop the tears. He was completely unable to speak. As the tears streamed down my face like a river, I knew in my heart I have done everything I could and should have done for him.  It’s so surreal to have an image of my father in my head and to see him now. There’s no comparison.

The apprehension for that final call is 10000000% making me anxious. I want him to finally be at peace. While I really do want him to be at peace, I hate the thought of him truly being gone. I am quite confident the final “call” will happen today/tonight (so expect another blog post). I will be thankful to my father for helping through my messy journey and to learn that I am stronger than I think. I am OK just as he will be OK!

 

I believe we are all responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every action, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.  All of my life’s challenges and great moments have prepared me for this experience with my father.  He is still hanging in there but the emotional ups and downs have been absolutely crazy. Did I say crazy?  I have learned so much about myself and my perception of others during this process.

You are only responsible for your own choices!  I am not responsible for the choices of my father or anyone else for that matter.  We have no control over another person’s choices. We try to convince ourselves we do, but in reality we do not.  I have been struggling with the choices that my father has made over his lifetime. I hate him being in this place he is right now. I’ve been so frustrated with his choices. I have felt the nagging need to help and fix and change. But I can’t. I can not change or fix his choices. It’s not my job to fix someone else’s choices. It’s theirs. Just as no one else is accountable for my choices.  I can only change my reaction to someone else’s choices.  I only have power over me.  Just recently has my perspective shifted to really looking at my own choices. I’ve taken a deep dive into my thoughts, my words, and my actions and I must say it is very eye-opening. I challenge everyone to just step back and think about your own choices. Even small simple little changes in the choices you make – truly do make a difference. I started stepping back at Harris Teeter one day in the check-out line. The store was crowded and people were moving and frantic, but then again when isn’t Harris Teeter busy? We are all in such a hurry. For what? Why do we make the choice to always be so rushed. Is it that terrible of a thing to slow down?  Truly slow down?  I stood there watching the checker efficiently and quickly scan items. She was an older woman but always so funny and friendly.  She makes that choice to be funny and friendly.  I then noticed the Bagger – he was slightly older as well and seemed very flustered. I could have chosen to get annoyed that he was frazzled, but I didn’t. I asked him if he was OK. Guess what – he wasn’t. He had almost been hit by a car in the parking lot while collecting the carts outside. He was completely un-nerved.  He kept apologizing and I chose to just listen to him.  He told me the whole story as he bagged my groceries. Other shoppers seemed annoyed and rushed.  But in that moment, I didn’t need to rush home, I didn’t need to rush, so I made a choice to just listen. I even offered to buy him a snickers bar – like the commercial – he laughed.  He couldn’t stop thanking me for listening and for being patient. He admitted he wished all of the store’s customers were like me. I made a simple choice to be patient and kind to others. Can you imagine how much better the world would be if we all made better choices? I left the store with a smile and feeling good inside.

It’s amazing how a dying parent can shift your perspective on people, friends, family, work, and pretty much everything you think and do.  We all spend way too much time trying to change or judge or struggle over someone else’s choices. Guess what – they are their choices. We don’t have that power. We only have the power over ourselves. We only have the power over our own choices and the effects of those choices. If you want things to be different – it starts with one simple little choice. You can either choose to see the negative or you can choose to see the positive. Every morning you have another chance to make a better choice.

I watched a very impactful speech recently by Elizabeth Smart. She was the 14-year-old girl who was kidnapped out of her bedroom and held captive for 9 grueling months.  She was quoted for saying that her mother gave her one very crucial piece of advice when she was returned home. “Elizabeth what these people have done to you is terrible, and there aren’t words strong enough to describe how wicked and evil they are. They have stolen 9 months of your life away from you that you will never get back. But the best punishment you could ever give them is to be happy, is to move forward with your life and do all of the things that you want to do.  Because by feeling sorry for yourself, by holding on to the past, by reliving it that’s only allowing them to steal more of your life away from you. And they don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve a single second more. So you need to be happy, and you need to move on with your life.”

Elizabeth Smart realized they didn’t have power of her anymore and that was very empowering. She realized that the choice of forgiveness is not for the other person. It’s for yourself.  She was recently quoted after realizing one of her captors was about to be released from prison.  “Life is so worthwhile and no matter what has happened to you, no matter what your background is, no matter what your past is, each of us deserves to be happy. Bad things do happen, but that doesn’t mean that they need to define us or destroy our life. We have things that happen to us and yes they shape us, they mold us, but they don’t have to define us. In the end, what defines you is how you react, the decisions that you make. You are who you decide to be. You are captain of your destiny.  You are the one that decides who you are. Reclaim your power.”

Make the Choice – To take a Chance – To make a Change. One simple little choice in a thought, in your words and even in your actions, can shift you and the world around you.

Life is like my favorite childhood book – “The Little Engine That Could.”  We have the ability to over think and convince ourselves that we can’t do something (when in all honesty we 100% can). We stop believing in ourselves and our own inner strength. We overthink about over thinking.  We take one little thought and allow it to spin in circles until it almost becomes our reality (the key word here is almost). The overthinking anxious thought isn’t “real” it’s more of our own mind trying to convince us we can’t.  Anxiety turns on the fight or flight mode in our bodies and our minds and it’s exhausting.  Anxiety tries to protect us and tries to convince us we can’t do things…. but we can.  We do have control over our actions and can change our thoughts by simply saying… I think… I can…. I think…. I can…. Just like the hill in the story, things can appear like you can’t do it.  As you start your messy journey up the hill, you realize, I think… I can…. The hill appeared too big or too steep or too long, but the little engine kept saying I think…. I can… over and over again until he realized he could do it and he did do it! If we just talk to our anxious feelings, take it day by day, and say I think… I can… We truly CAN! I wonder how many times I can say the word CAN in one post… CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN !

I have been battling my latest messy journey and learning how to get up that hill and say I think… I Can… My father’s health is drastically declining and I am suddenly responsible for everything.  I am responsible for a man I’ve struggled to have a relationship with throughout my life.  I have to make decisions for a man who is extremely stubborn and difficult. I have to figure things out and figure out what to do.  He is my father.  I had been able to keep my anxiety in check for quite some time. I even started to feel stronger than I’ve ever felt almost like a different person.  BUT – between lack of sleep, a few glasses of wine, and trying not to “feel,” I suddenly felt like I can’t. And then I remembered my favorite book – The Little Engine That Could.  The “hill” of dealing with my father dying does look quite daunting. It often times doesn’t feel like I can carry the load up the hill. To make it worse – I don’t want to do this… I don’t want to be responsible.  I know I have to… and I know I can… just like the little engine that could.  I just have to take it step by step and day by day. I also need to hug and love the heck out of my little boys.  Life goes on. I told my father I’ve got it and I will take care of you. He is a shell of the man he once was.  I never really thought his life would end like this.  I said three of the hardest words for me to say to him – “I Love You.” I will know when he does pass that I’ve done everything I could to help him and will not live with regret. While this is sooooo very hard and challenging, I can do it! Situations like this can really change your perspective about the world around you. The sky is bluer, the birds are louder, and the moments are precious. As you go through your messy journey and try to climb up those hills, remember to say “I THINK I CAN…. I THINK I CAN!” And you can!

The Little Engine That Could

In a certain railroad yard there stood an extremely heavy train that had to be drawn up an 
unusually heavy grade before it could reach its
 destination. The superintendent of the yard was 
not sure what it was best for him to do, so he
 went up to a large, strong engine and asked:
 “Can you pull that train over the hill?”


“It is a very heavy train,” responded the engine.


He then went to another great engine and 
asked:
 “Can you pull that train over the hill?”


“It is a very heavy grade,” it replied.


The superintendent was much puzzled, but he 
turned to still another engine that was spick
 and span new, and he asked it:
 “Can you pull that train over the hill?”


“I think I can,” responded the engine.


So the order was circulated, and the engine
 was started back so that it might be coupled
 with the train, and as it went along the rails it
 kept repeating to itself: “I think I can. I think
 I can. I think I can.”


The coupling was made and the engine began
 its journey, and all along the level, as it rolled 
toward the ascent, it kept repeating to itself:
 “I —think —I can. I —think —I— can. I —think— I —can.”


Then it reached the grade, but its voice could still be heard: “I think I can. I—– think—–I—–can. 
I —–think—– I—– can.” 
Higher and higher it climbed, and its voice
grew fainter and its words came slower: 
”I ——-think ——–I——-can.”


It was almost to the top.


“I ———think”


It was at the top.


”I ———can.”


It passed over the top of the hill and began 
crawling down the opposite slope.


’I ——think——- I—— can——I—– thought——I——-could I—– thought—– I—– could. I thought I could. I thought I could.
 I thought I could.”


And singing its triumph, it rushed on down 
toward the valley.

You never know what is going on in someone else’s life. You never know the struggles, the challenges or the triumphs that got someone to where they are now. You never know – because you aren’t in their shoes.  Our society tells us we have to judge a book by its cover. We don’t try to understand the pages of someone else’s life.

What you don’t know is that I’ve had my own struggles, challenges, and triumphs. I’ve learned more about myself the past few years and even more so recently. Life is a constant journey and often times quite messy.  I don’t like change and I have anxious feelings. I am learning to accept and embrace all of me – including my faults. This past week I learned that my father has a very limited time left to live on this earth. We haven’t always had a good relationship, often times quite strained. I struggled with most of his life decisions – even now.  It’s hard to balance the need to help someone and at the same time the need to run far away. Did I say run far away? I am a fixer and a perfectionist and worry I will feel guilty if I don’t do everything I can to help him.  But you also can’t change someone. Oddly enough, there’s still a part of me that wishes I could. My father’s heart is only functioning with an infraction rate of 8% (that alone has qualified him for hospice).  He’s extremely stubborn and set in ways and quite frankly a pain in the ass. Yes I’ve repeatedly told him that too. He usually thinks I’m kidding and laughs, yet we both know he’s difficult.  He just doesn’t always admit it.  BUT he’s also my father.  The strains and struggles from the past are part of my messy journey but they don’t define me. We all have our strains and struggles but we also have triumphs and blessings.  And I have my triumphs and blessings as well. I am very grateful for the opportunity to be my best self (as hard as it may be). I read a quote once that really inspires me.

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

What you don’t know is that along my messy journey I have to fight several of my biggest fears all at once this week.  It is very overwhelming and quite frankly testing my anxious feelings and my sanity, but I’ve got it! I am OK! Thank goodness for wine!

• Death and everything that goes along with it especially when you are the person who is in charge
• Flying on an airplane (as I am flying home to visit my Dad)
• Potentially say goodbye to a parent
• Leaving my children for the weekend
• Change – School is starting soon (one week)
• Feeling uncomfortable

What you don’t know is that just typing those fears made me feel anxious and better all at the same time (if that’s even possible). We have to face our fears right? Death is part of life… Sometimes we don’t understand the how or the way.  Forgiveness is part of life…. We have to forgive ourselves and others to find peace in our own messy journeys.

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet at the same time there is no peace without forgiveness.”

Life is so unpredictable you never know what’s coming ahead, but at a point in life you start to realize who matters, who never did and who always will. You also realize what is important and what really isn’t. You don’t want to “PEE” on today with one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow. So embrace your messy journey today!

I really do hate change.. With only 2 1/2 weeks until school starts, the fear of change is definitely starting to cross my mind quite a bit. We’ve had a busy summer but a good one and I am not ready for that to end.  I am not ready for the stress of school and transitioning to a new routine. I’ve never been good at change. I need a plan – a schedule – a routine – and the known. Once I get into my routine, I hate it being changed (even slightly). But change is part of life – the ebbs and flows of life.

I’ve learned that everything changes…. Friendships change, people change, jobs change, houses change, you grow older, and the seasons change. Nothing stays the same – but it’s all in your perspective.  You have to accept the change.  I am not good at accepting change.  I have a bad habit of trying to prevent the change and trying to hold onto what was vs accepting what is. I love the heat and sun of summer and winter is very depressing to me as the life outside is dark and gloomy. I hate the cold but I love my sweatshirts and heavy blankets. The cold depressing winter has dark trees without leaves, flowers hidden under the ground, and grass that has turned brown vs a lush green.  Yet while things appear to die in the winter, there is a rebirth of life as the seasons change. As winter changes to spring, the buds appear on the trees, the grass starts to turn greener, and the flowers start to grow. By summer, it’s a complete new season and everything has bloomed in beautiful colors and the scent of fresh flowers fills our yards.  Everything under the ground during winter is just waiting for the change.  Everything outside is prepared and accepts the season changes. So why can’t I transition like the seasons? Because I hate change!

Our bodies change and shift. I have recently found a few white-ish eyebrow hairs. Things aren’t as perky as they used to be (you know what I mean).  And yes I have a mom pouch (aka wine pouch). I am better at accepting my body changes than life changes and people changes. I haven’t done Botox or fillers or a “lift.”  So how do we accept change like the seasons? How do we accept and embrace change? How do we find a way to be comfortable with the change? We have to change our perspective on change. Get it – change on change? Change can be a good thing, a scary thing, and a very uncomfortable thing. I always get stuck in the uncomfortable part of change.  But change can also mean a transition to a new life and a new sense of being and purpose. Learning to embrace the change and allowing ourselves to BE OK throughout that change. We have to take it day by day and moment by moment. We have to stop looking backward and stop fearing the future.  We have to live RIGHT NOW even if we hate change. The only thing to fear – is fear itself – not change.

CHOICE – CHANCE – CHANGE

HOICE – CHANCE – CHANGE

 

 

Do you ever feel embarrassed because of your own “personal” crazy parts? I know I do!  We all have some form or fashion of crazy within us.  We all have our faults that make us part of who we are (good and bad). No one is perfect – contrary to what Facebook tells us.  There are just some people out there who try to pretend.  My personal crazy usually involves my anxiety. Recently I had an episode of terrible heart burn in the middle of the night and was certain I was going to have a heart attack and die in my sleep. My poor little brain (as my husband calls it) was a HOT MESS!  Ok so this was last night – LOL…  And yes I can laugh at myself now.  A thousand what if’s circled in my head. Did I say a thousand what if’s circled in my head?  OMG what if this….. OMG what if that…. OMG OMG OMG OMG… I am learning that when I say those words, it’s not me talking, it’s my anxiety talking (or really my anxious feelings talking).  I know it seems quite extreme but if you google heart attack vs heart burn the symptoms are very similar.  We all know the absolute worst thing you can do is google your symptoms (especially when you are in panic/anxiety mode). Google is NOT your friend and at 1:30 am in the morning it will always be the worst case scenario. What does this have to do with embracing the crazy? Well for me – it’s accepting that I have this part of me that always believes I am going to have a heart attack and die suddenly when I have heart burn. It’s a part of me that gets travel anxiety. It’s a part of me that worries what people think and makes me suck in my stomach in a little tighter.  It’s at part of me that sometimes may think the worst of a situation. And it’s a part of me that has anxious feelings sometimes. The key word here is PART. It’s a part of me. Just like it’s a part of you.  I’ve always tried to make these parts just go away. Worst of all, I’ve always been embarrassed when these parts show their ugly faces. I’ve tried to hide these parts of “crazy” but they are part of me. By embracing our crazy we are also embracing our own faults. I realized this interesting fact as I took extremely deep breaths and tried to see if it hurt to breathe that I was being “crazy.” I looked in the mirror a thousand times and stuck out my tongue (you do this if you google heart attack symptoms and it means your face is dropping).  As long as my tongue looks normal in the mirror and my smile is even, I am not dying. Damn you Google!  I wish google had a disclaimer that said – If you are suffering from any anxiety or panic, DO NOT complete any searches right now. Come back later! How awesome would that be?  I can’t tell you how many times I would ask my husband if he thought I was having a heart attack? He too knows the second he hears me say those two little words – “WHAT IF” that it’s purely my anxiety talking.  In my messy journey, I am trying to step back and realize this is just part of my crazy and that is totally OK! I am OK! These crazy parts of me are OK and they are just that – parts of me. They do not define me! By not allowing these parts to define us, we can learn (very slowly) to embrace our own crazy!

May we all learn to embrace our own crazy parts!