Did you know that just one small positive thought in the morning can change your entire day? The greatest power you have is the power of your thoughts. Thoughts are things. They are powerful. The very thoughts running through your mind can help you to manifest the life of your dreams. But those same thoughts can also cause you to feel anxious and stuck (if you allow it). Let me repeat – if you allow it!

Isn’t it amazing just how powerful our thoughts really are? It’s the one thing we can actually control in life and throughout your messy journey, but we just usually let fear and negativity take over. Why is it sometimes easier to be negative than positive and feel fear over faith? I don’t know about the rest of you – but the cold weather, the rain, and the dark is depressing to me. There is in fact a condition – called SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder or really I’m just “SAD” because it’s cold, raining, and dark. I love the summer, the heat, the sunshine, the flowers, flip-flops, grilling outside, and even the smell of fresh-cut grass. I will be the last one to complain about the heat in the summer but the first one to complain about the cold. We all have a habit of getting stuck in the cold and the dark. The seasons don’t get stuck (they may get delayed) but they don’t get stuck. The grow out of darkness to turn beauty and life into what appeared to be dead. They evolve. Just like the seasons, you can evolve too.

Our thoughts and feelings can be healing – if we let them. But we have to let them (that’s always the hard part).  When you master the power of thoughts, life begins to change in dramatic ways. The key is in understanding your feelings. Now who would want to go ahead and do that, especially if sometimes those feelings are uncomfortable, sad, or frustrating. I’ve let myself get stuck in the death of my father and everything in between. I’ve let my own thoughts make me feel anxious, have an extra glass of wine, and not practice self-care.  It’s hard to find balance when you are in the cold and the dark.

The fastest way for you to get some balance is to stop the negative thoughts, lighten up, chill out, and have some fun (or in my case tell a dumb joke that usually only I laugh at). I love to walk around on the ground barefoot – this practice is called grounding. If we spend a mere ten minutes a day walking barefoot on the earth – can start to feel a little more grounded and connected with the earth/universe. We all need to manifest our own greatness (present company included). Our thoughts both positive and negative can turn into our reality. I’ve been stuck on feeling stuck and over thinking about over thinking about feeling stuck. Instead of changing my thoughts, I’ve stayed on feeling stuck and overthinking.

When you criticize yourself, feel unworthy, or put yourself down in any way, you are disconnected from your true self, your inner being, and your higher self. When this happens, it is harder to find inspiration, feel connected to others, and find balance. You literally create a barrier between yourself and positive energy.  How many times do we pee on today because we are too stuck in the past or too worried about the future? We have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow and are peeing on today.  I have been stuck and definitely peeing on today… Stuck in a lot of ways. People don’t talk about feeling stuck. They post on social media how wonderful their life is. And while life is wonderful, it can also be shitty, but that’s all part of it, and that’s OK.  I often struggle to find that midline and balance, but during my messy journey I am now striving to attain my highest self. I am determined to learn to change my perspective on life and everything around me. It takes time and patience and self-care (which as a mom is very hard). My kids, my husband, my dog, even my house come before my own self-care. Do you know what happens when you don’t practice self care – you get stuck in your thoughts?  Remember, no matter how justified you are in any negative emotion, it is what is stopping you from moving forward. We are our own worst enemy.  You are literally messing up your future. We all need to begin by finding moments that feel good and draw from them and most importantly – hold onto them and practice faith over fear and courage over comfort.

A simple shift in the power of thought. It is just as simple as Bill Murray in the movie Ground Hog Day…. The world around him didn’t change, but he finally learned the same thing will keep happening over and over again. He didn’t have power to control what was happening around him, but he did have the power to change how he reacted to it. He changed his thoughts from negative to positive. He focused on the power of his thoughts. And we can call do that too. You are enough and you are OK and you can have power over your thoughts.

I challenge all of us (myself included) to spend the next 30 days with positive thoughts, feelings, and gratitude, and don’t miss a day. Let’s all hold each other accountable – who is with me? Get yourself a journal or notebook to begin to this challenge. Target (yes I said Target) actually has some Gratitude journals. Only write wonderful thoughts and feelings about yourself and your life. When we are able spend time every day on wonderful thoughts and feelings, we will manifest the positive and learn to utilize the power of our thoughts.  Let’s all begin today and change our messy journeys in a positive way. You do have the power of thought!

I must yet again thank my yoga teachers. I am always inspired by their messages and their ability to apply that message to the practice.  The messages this week were about diving deep and letting things go (both of which I definitely need). We all need!  I haven’t been able to truly sit down to allow myself to dive deep and let things go for quite some time. Grief and sicknesses and just life lately has been busy to say the least and my anxiety has been up and down (and the scale). I finally decided to take over and push myself right back up.  In this crazy world it’s hard to just be, it’s hard to dive deep and it’s even harder to let things go. We all seem to get into these patterns and routines that are superficial and on the surface.  We are so worried what everyone thinks and who is doing what or who said what to who – that we lose sight of our humanity and ourselves. We need to dive deep for the person who matters the most – us. I am like “Ground Hog Day.” I do the same thing over and over again and get the same result. My husband has been calling me “Ground Hog Day” for years. At one point, when do you stop and recognize your own patterns (both positive and negative). The only true way to self-awareness is to go into the deep as you work through your messy journey. I am learning that things will happen (both good and bad), people will get sick, people will die, and I will get hurt (emotionally and physically), BUT (yes there is a big but), I have the power to change my reaction. You have that same power to make a change.  You have the power to dive deep and not let the behavior of others and the situations around you affect you. We all have the power to just be! We get so stuck in the negative or the craziness that we lose of sight of what matters most. We forget to have gratitude. We need to embrace our beautiful selves in all our shapes and sizes.  We can’t control anything or anyone, but we can control ourselves. I can very well control my own “Ground Hog Day” from happening by diving deep and learning to let things go. During one of the yoga classes, the teacher talked about the movie “Ground Hog Day” and how Bill Murray’s character repeats the same day over and over again. He repeats the struggles and the frustrations every day, until he realizes he can’t change what is going on around him. He can, however change how he reacts to it. How often do we get mad at spilling the coffee on your clothes or the idiot driver who just cut you off or your children and pets for not behaving? We can’t control any of that. But we can control how we react to it. The teacher gave me a very different perspective to the way I looked at “Ground Hog Day.” Things may go the same way, I will have the same difficulties and frustrations, but I can change how I react to them. I have the power to accept myself, show some self-care, and most importantly adjust how I react.  It makes so much sense to dive deep to your core (both mentally and physically) to learn to change and break patterns. Life is shitty sometimes. But it’s also beautiful and amazing and wonderful. If we stay focused on the shitty, then the universe will give you shitty. If you try to see more of the beauty and love, the universe will show you more beauty and love. You don’t have to be a religious person to know positive = positive and negative = negative.  We all need to practice self-love, self acceptance, and patience. I don’t know about you but I have no patience (especially when it comes to me).  I want things to change when I want it to, I want people to behave the way I want, etc… You get  my point.  But we all have to dive deep to our core and push ourselves faith over fear and courage over comfort.  Your faith can be spiritual or divine or mystical or simply your faith in yourself.  Faith can be that simple. Faith is that simple.  You can have faith and courage and you can go into the deep!

FAITH OVER FEAR 

COURAGE OVER COMFORT 

When we focus on both of those mantras, it’s much easier to go into the deep and change our reaction to our own “Ground Hog Day.”

I must yet again thank one of the most amazing yoga teachers for my inspiration today.  I also have to give her credit for these amazing words of wisdom.  I don’t know about you, but I have definitely been off my routine lately and haven’t been on the mat for a few weeks. And man I’ve missed it. You don’t realize how much you enjoy yoga until you haven’t been for a while and then you go again.  It’s also so very hard to start back up on anything after you’ve stopped (for whatever the reason it’s something I struggle with). It’s also hard to be accountable to yourself.  For my poor little anxious mind, yoga gives me a place to slow down and learn to breathe. The theme of the practice was about de-cluttering and giving yourself more space. The teacher, like me, can’t handle a messy house (I actually twitch). Sometimes I even try to test myself and see how long I can let the dishes build up in the sink (or if anyone else in my house will do them) before I break down out of pure anxiety from the mess and do it myself. It’s a vicious cycle I’ve done to myself – one that usually has me twitching every time I walk past the sink (either cringing at the mess or muttering that no one ever helps me around the house). The practice was about de-cluttering not just your house but also your body. I personally hold onto a lot of stuff in my house and in my body that I don’t need or that no longer serves me.  We recently purchased a new mattress and bed.  Seems like a harmless purchase right. Well if you have OCD and anxiety like I do, then the chaos of moving things around, cleaning up and reorganizing can very well make you unsettled. We moved our old mattress to our guest room. Still seems harmless right… Well I have a lot of antiques and family memorabilia that I treasure. And these very treasures had to be moved and rearranged and “de-cluttered” to make space for something new.  At first I was excited to redecorate, but as the process of making room continued, I began to feel a knot in my stomach.  I was trying so hard to make space for everything and not let anything go that I was actually making myself anxious and overwhelmed.  I was trying to hold onto things that I really didn’t need. I’ve also been trying to hold onto old feelings I no longer need. There is still this part of me that can’t believe my father has really died and he isn’t there. I still think I’ll wake up it was just a bad dream. It’s time to let go and breathe into those places of angst and release both the tangible and also intangible. The teacher focused on twists to help us make space and breathe through discomfort. Yoga has been helping me to embrace the space of discomfort.  The challenge for me is committing to that practice and committing to helping myself.  Making room can be challenging, but I’m starting 2019 today, February 1st. As the teacher explained, January is really just getting through the year before and preparing you for the new year. My January was just that. Starting my intention today – not a new year’s resolution – but an intention…. Just for me.  I am going to make more space for ME. I worry about everyone and everything fitting into nice neat little boxes, but life and our own messy journeys don’t work that way. I hold onto every emotion, every feeling, every moment and it’s time to let go and make room for something new. Having a puppy has definitely pushed  me out of my box and  brought my anxiety front and center.  The initial lack of sleep and the change in my routine made me somewhat crazy, but now this little fur ball is my little side kick and has been teaching me that I really can’t control everything. And guess what that’s something I need to let go off as do a lot of  you. We try to control everything and by doing so – miss out on everything.

It’s ok to be uncomfortable and it’s more than OK to push yourself toward your own greatness and make space for something oh so more! When we hold onto things and emotions – our houses, closets, drawers and bodies get cluttered. I am tired of feeling cluttered and need to make room for more of the good stuff in life. It’s time to let go of any control, any hurt, worry, or fears and make room for positivity and embracing your own messy journeys. It’s time to make space for me! And it’s time for you to make space for you!

Accountability is the quality or state of being accountable. An obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions. The fact of being responsible for what you do. The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable. The obligation of an individual or organization to account for its activities. An individual has accountability for acts and behaviors. Sometimes accountability means admitting you made a mistake.

Patience is the ability to endure difficult circumstances such as perseverance in the face of delay; tolerance of provocation without responding in annoyance/anger; or forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can have before negativity.

I say all of that to formally hold myself accountable and give you a chance to hold yourself accountable.  Every year I make these grand new year’s resolutions and commit to taking better care of myself, losing weight, etc, the normal staple resolutions. And every year, I get side tracked and lose sight of the present moment. Instead of allowing myself to move forward and backward and just redirect and keep going, I get upset that I let my resolutions slip. This year I decided to make one simple new year’s resolution – to have more patience for myself. I am disappointed to admit that I am already not sticking with it… How hard can it really be to have patience for yourself?  Don’t they say by the middle of January all new years resolutions pretty much go out the window. I didn’t pick anything extreme or anything stereotypical for a new year’s resolution. I simply chose to have more patience for myself. It really is hard that hard to practice self compassion.

I had one solid week of mental clarity, focus and dedication. I even did a juice cleanse for one day to get a hard reset. While the juice cleanse day was VERY hard mentally – I felt so much better after it and was fueled to push myself to infinity and beyond. I even joined a Burn Boot Camp (which is WAY out of my comfort zone). I cut back on wine and watched what I ate (avoiding gluten and dairy). I was tired and definitely going through some withdrawal – but my insides started to feel better. BUT – And a BIG BUT – my anxiety stepped in – life’s moments stepped in – and I got derailed. After a solid step forward to taking better care of myself and pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I went backwards.  A week without exercise, making bad food choices again, and having an extra glass of wine and I am embarrassed to admit it, but I sought food for comfort. I have an extra glass of wine for comfort. It’s hard to feel uncomfortable emotions and have anxious feelings. I personally would rather make a u-turn and so I did just that. It’s also very hard NOT to beat yourself up for taking a step backward. We are our own worst enemy, our own worst critic, and the worst at negative self talk. We are kinder to others than to ourselves. It’s time for that to change.

“To thine own self be true.”

I am writing to be accountable to myself. I am writing to honor myself.  And I am writing to tell you to be accountable to yourself and honor yourself. This too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. Anxiety makes us feel like we are stuck in this same place and will never get out – never escape. Discomfort also means you are on the path to something bigger.  Discomfort means you are pushing yourself to something new and its very scary.  Discomfort often times means you are changing old habits.  It’s very scary to be in the middle of “no longer and not yet”.  But it doesn’t last forever and once you are through that place of discomfort and anxiety and stress, you will be all the more stronger (inside and out).

Part of my personal set back has been the arrival of our new puppy. Oh she’s precious and we all love her dearly, but she’s a puppy that needs a lot of work and a lot of time. And she doesn’t sleep through the night every night. It’s like having a new-born again. The lack of control, the lack of routine, the lack of solid sleep, and just pure change has sent my anxiety into an uproar. I don’t have a lot of patience for myself when my anxiety starts talking in my ear. The OCD feelings or really the “Oh My God please just do it the way I want and need now.” Having a puppy means patience and lack of sleep and chaos. Anxiety means you can’t control the situation and an extreme fear of being stuck in this moment of discomfort forever and ever and ever. The panic comes into play when you feel like you can’t handle the change and just want to make a u-turn.  The middle of the night wakeups and the early mornings have done a number on my anxiety, my sanity, and my midline. This messy journey of mine has just gotten a lot messier (literally and figuratively – thanks to potty training a puppy).  I have been cleaning up more shit lately and it’s exhausting and disgusting. I am stuck in this place being tired and overwhelmed and anxious (fearing I will always be in this place). I’m too old for this. I see now why its best to have kids when you are young. I feel like I have a newborn again and I am anxious and feeling very very very old. I have been feeling anxious or really having anxious feelings. I can’t control this dog immediately – it takes time and patience. And I am stuck in the fear it will always be this hard. In all honesty, she’s a very sweet lovable dog who absolutely follows me EVERYWHERE (including a very awkward moment when she followed me into the bathroom and proceeded to lick my butt cheek.  At that point I half laughed, half cringed and knew I needed to set some immediate boundaries.  She has VERY sharp puppy teeth. Did I mention her teeth are very sharp? And realistically, she’s only 14 weeks old.  I know it will get easier…. blah blah blah. I know this too shall pass. I know I can do this, even though I keep telling myself I can’t. I let the lack of sleep, the food, the wine, and the fear of change take over. I forgot my mantra – “Courage over Comfort.” I forgot to be good to myself. I forgot to tell myself I am OK. I forgot that it’s ok to keep going to redirect. I made a wrong turn but I can very easily redirect and get right back on track and that’s totally OK! And you can too… And most of all I forgot to have patience for myself.

That’s why we call it a messy journey. We need to continue to find that midline and find peace and patience in the middle of chaos. And remember that we can redirect and we will be OK no matter what. And YES YOU CAN ! You can be accountable and practice self-care and move on with patience.

Redirecting… I’m stealing my latest post idea from one of my favorite yoga teachers. I get some of my biggest inspirations from two very amazing teachers.  This particular teacher talked about treating life and our reaction to it just like the GPS in your car. Yes – you read that correctly, I said GPS in your car.  So imagine you are driving to your destination and you miss the turn (you know we all do it) and then the GPS says “Go 200 feet and Make a U-turn.” I personally hate it when my GPS tries to prevent me from going forward and constantly says “Make a U-Turn!”.  I’ve been known to shut the GPS off and mutter a few unpleasant words, but that’s not my point.  When you don’t make that u-turn – what does the GPS do – it eventually R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T-S!

In life we go about our merry little way and then something happens (good, bad, wonderful and shitty) and we want to run and make a U-Turn. I know my anxiety freezes and is desperate for me to do anything to keep things straight and narrow vs curvy and bumpy. In the past, my anxiety has constantly tried to make the U-Turn instead of redirecting.

Redirecting can be scary.

Redirecting can be venturing into the unknown.

Redirecting can be putting courage over comfort.

But just like with your car and the GPS, once you redirect your life, you continue forward. It’s that simple.

Now if only we could apply such a simple theory to real life, that is much easier said than done!  After the first Christmas ever where I didn’t get to see my dad and a handful of additional life moments, I temporarily lost my words. It wasn’t easy or comforting to sit and write. Actually, I think it was more of the act of sitting that I had been avoiding and chose to make constant u-turns.  I had committed to write in my blog at least once a week, but somehow over the course of time, the desire and willingness to write slightly faded. I made my own u-turn back into a little hole. Those who know me, know when I hit a certain point emotionally/physically, I retreat into a hole. 2018 was quite a year – One I am glad to finally have in the rear view mirror. There were many amazing moments but there was also grief and heartache.  I am personally starting to redirect my life and my GPS. But it’s a slow process. I don’t have a ton of patience and expect to wake up and be completely redirected and balanced in my midline (literally and figuratively). Our messy journeys don’t work that way. We have to redirect through the mess to get to the peace and balance, but it takes time and patience and lots of self-care and self compassion. And I’m not so good with any of that.

I was ready to start the new year off right but I forgot about my dad’s birthday, January 3rd. For some profound reason, his birthday was harder than christmas, or maybe it was just a combination of the two happening so close together. It’s now been several months since his passing and it’s still quite surreal to me that he really isn’t there. This just proves how we take things for granted, we expect people and things to always be there, but there are no guarantees. Things change, people change, situations change and you constantly have to redirect. I made a goal to eat better, drink less wine, and get my midline in check (LITERALLY). I had a solid week of pushing myself out of my comfort zone. And I mean pushing myself out of my comfort zone… Talk about an increase in anxiety, phewww…. And this week, I have had to redirect again. Instead of getting defeated at myself for not exercising this week, I am writing to have self compassion. I am writing to tell everyone it’s OK to redirect during your messy journey. It’s OK to redirect and not make that U-Turn. It’s Ok to want to make a U-Turn but to fight the fear and put courage over comfort. Because guess what my friends – YOU GOT THIS! As simple as the GPS is, you can redirect and keep on going. I mean think about it… How many times do you make a wrong turn or miss a street sign and then you simply redirect? Do you get mad at yourself or the car for missing the turn? Nope, you simply redirect and keep going. You also don’t worry and lose any sleep over it – do you ? Nope! You simply redirect and keep going. So who cares if you had an extra glass of wine, or missed a workout, or ate something you shouldn’t, simply redirect and keep going.

It’s that simple! Redirect and keep going! 

I must apologize for not writing sooner. I just couldn’t sit down and actually express my emotions, there was just too much going on to sit and BE. It’s funny how the most wonderful time of the year is also the most stressful.  Literally it seems like one thing happened after the other and the other and the other…. Today, January 3rd, is my dad’s birthday.  My dad would have been 78 years old today. I always called him an “Old Man” and his response was always the same – “Who are you calling an old man?”  While I know he is celebrating in heaven today, it’s very surreal to think that he passed away 3 months ago. Sometimes, I really do feel like I dreamt the whole thing and he will just send a text or call me, but he doesn’t. Since I got that call in August about my dad’s shortened life span, my anxiety has been up and down, but it’s also given me new insight into my anxiety.  As hard as I’ve tried in the past to get rid of my anxiety, I’ve learned finally it’s just part of me and that’s ok. I have a whole tool box of things to do when I feel anxious. I am finally starting to accept a part of me that I’ve always hated. I am finally starting to embrace my faults (well at least some of them). During this challenging time my “midline” has drastically increased and my ability to find the midline balance has been off. It’s amazing what stress can do to your body (then again maybe it’s the glass(es) of wine).

There are two midlines in life….

1. The midline of your emotions
2. The midline of your body

Oddly enough the two are very much connected. Let me explain. As we go through life and all of its ups and downs, we either go really high or really low, but seldom do we stay balanced in the middle (aka the midline). The ideal place to search for is to stay more content in the midline (or the middle point) and focus our attention on being at peace (even with the good, the bad, and the shitty).

The midline of your body is affected when we get either too high or too low. In my case, it’s been too low. Just too much emotionally going on and the fact that summer is over. I thrive on the sun and the heat and my flip-flops. There is nothing more healing and balancing than the summer at the beach. Now the leaves have all fallen, the skies are darker, and the temperatures are colder.  There’s an actual disorder – called SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka – I’m depressed it’s winter). Nothing stays the same. Just as we lost our summer, we gained winter, the trees and flowers will bloom once again and we gain spring. They are centered in the midline. They know with each season of ups and downs, they will end up right back where they belong and the cycle will continue.

I had a very surreal moment on my drive up to Virginia Beach to see my mom and sister for Christmas. This was the one time of year that no matter what was going on or how I felt about my father, we saw each other at Christmas. We exchanged gifts, hugs, and my boys saw their grandfather. This year, a mere three months after he passed, there was no option to see him. I felt anxious and off and couldn’t find the emotions in the weeks leading up to Christmas… so I lost my midline… Literally and figuratively. Those who know me, please don’t judge that my butt cheeks now wave hello. I haven’t exercised, I haven’t been eating right, and I love my wine. So I fought my anxiety with a new puppy and two kids and drove to Virginia. Man was I anxious…. I had a 10 week old puppy who couldn’t go to rest stops or fast food restaurants to do her business since she didn’t have all of her shots… I was so anxious my need to see my family and drive 6+ hours would hurt my precious new puppy my little girl. Guess what, while it was slightly stressful, this girl is awesome. So laid back, so loving, and so damn easy… Thank you God! Talk about meant to be.

Now to tell you about my big moment…. I’m driving home on December 26th to see my mom and sister… It takes longer because we have to make extra stops for the dog. I’m tired, I’m emotional, I’m VERY anxious, and I know I can’t see my dad. After 6 hours in the car, and about 30 minutes to go we hit A SHIT LOAD OF TRAFFIC. It’s dark and I’m tired and I have to pee (with my old lady bladder). We were so close to getting to my mom’s house and suddenly weren’t moving at all. All I could see were break lights and my anxiety went WTF. I pulled up WAZE and suddenly my drive was just extended by 40+ minutes… I hit my head on the stirring wheel, looked at my kids cuddling our puppy in the back seat, and felt my bladder twitch. It was dark at this point. I looked up and said “You know what Dad I haven’t asked you for much in my life, please part the traffic like the black sea.” I said it in jest sort of. Suddenly my eyes filled with tears and I started moving… the traffic miraculously disappeared. Tears and this overwhelming feeling of someone watching out for me and guiding me took over. I felt this moment where I had this extra guardian angel, someone thankful for all that I sacrificed for them. I was suddenly ok. My waze app went from 40+ minutes to 10 minutes of traffic to none. The seas were parted and the traffic cleared for me. WOW – that’s all I could think as tears streamed down my face. My father, finally, gave me comfort. I can’t explain how the traffic disappeared and I won’t get too holier than thou. But I truly believe, in that moment, my father said “I got you!” (Those were words I never heard from him as a kid). I finally didn’t feel anxious. I felt OK! I felt like I was on the midline. I felt balanced, I felt even, I felt peace.

I’m hoping that my father has finally found his peace and his midline. I must say that both of my midlines need some work.  But this is a new year and a new start and a time to embrace new beginnings, a new me, and a new life. It’s time to acknowledge that you aren’t what you once were – but that’s ok. Your messy journey is continuing and you know what – you are Ok. You can find your midline of life and lose your midline of your body. I made the decision to face my fears and my sadness and write today. I also decided to stop hurting my body midline… I joined a Burn Boot Camp and start Monday – God help me..

I hope each of you can find you midline in the middle of chaos!

Happy New Year and Cheers to 2019! Embrace your new beginning.

POOR VISIBILITY

While flying home on an airplane from a wonderful thanksgiving weekend with family on Sunday, the pilot came on the on the intercom and said the word visibility. Due to my anxiety and fear of flying, I always pay extra attention when I hear the pilots talk. I may or may not watch the flight attendants like a hawk during the flight to see if they react to any of the bumps and turbulence.  I watch their faces for any signs of worry or concern. The pilot mentioned some potential for a little turbulence and poor visibility the closer we get to Charlotte. I have flown more this year than ever in my life! Some trips for fun and some not so fun. I considered myself a seasoned traveler and even joked about it, until I heard the word poor visibility (that was a new one for me). We were high above the clouds and even watched the beauty of the sun rising (for reference we were on a 6:50 am flight). Way too early to travel. The flight left a little later due to visibility issues. I still get very nervous/anxious during take off. Walking down the ramp to board the plane is like walking the plank on a pirate ship to me. I try to keep my travel anxiety, flying anxiety, and anxiety in general shielded from my kids. I check my watch the second we take off and calculate approximately what time we will land. I knew we were getting closer to starting the descent down but we weren’t. We just stayed above the clouds. The plane would turn and get lower and then go right back up again. I started to worry that visibility was a problem. My head started to hurt, my stomach started to churn, and I looked for the throw up bag (just in case). For the record, I’ve never thrown up on a plane. The plane kept turning and starting to descend and then pulling back up into the air. The woman behind me said “I guess we aren’t landing.” Suddenly pure fear and panic set in. Was this it? Was the plane going to just fall out of the sky? Would the plane explode? Would we feel anything? My heart was pounding in my chest. I had my youngest son on my left and my husband across the row with our older son. He saw the look on my face and gently reached his hand out and told me it’s ok. He didn’t look overly concerned and slept pretty much the whole flight. I didn’t want to freak out our kids but I was literally freaking out. I felt trapped and stuck and just wanted off that plane immediately. We couldn’t seem to get out of the clouds and just land. In that moment, I felt more claustrophobic than any other time in my life. I felt so paralyzed with fear and stuck on a plane thousands of feet in the air. I kept looking down the aisles at the other passengers and the flight attendants to see if anyone else appeared concerned. I also kept whispering to my husband “are you sure this is normal?”  Visibility issues? After what seemed like hours stuck on that plane (it’s normally an hour and half flight), we started to descend. I always found comfort in the landing – because that meant the flight is almost over. I would watch the ground get closer and closer and find immediate relief the second the wheels touched the ground. But this flight was different, I couldn’t see the ground at all. Where were we? As we continued to descend, I couldn’t see the ground only thick clouds. I worried how the pilots could fly a plane with no visibility. Finally – with my stomach in my throat – I saw the ground seconds before we touched down. Wow! Talk about intense. It was so foggy and cloudy, we couldn’t even see the control tower. Thank God we landed safely.

I have been thinking a lot about the word visibility and how it applies to real life.

Definition of visibility 

1: the quality or state of being visible

2a: the degree of clearness (as of the atmosphere or ocean)specifically : the greatest distance through the atmosphere toward the horizon at which prominent objects can be identified with the naked eye

b: capability of being readily noticed

c: capability of affording an unobstructed view

I believe my anxiety and the last few months of grief and worry and struggle have given me poor visibility. The clouds have been surrounding me and I just couldn’t see the ground. But the ground was always there even if I couldn’t see it (just like in the airplane). The flight took longer and didn’t go as smoothly as I wanted, but it still landed on the ground safely. In life things don’t always go the way we want or plan, if you are anxious like me – you need a plan. There may be periods in life when the visibility is poor, yet the ground is still there (even if we can’t see it). The ground is always there – sometimes muddy, sometimes dry, sometimes hard, sometimes soft, but always there.  We can get through the clouds of life and see clearly again. We can get through life when it isn’t so smooth. We can handle some turbulence.  We can see the ground again.

Thinking about the poor visibility on that flight and how terribly anxious I felt made me realize how poor my visibility has been with everything going on in my life. I have stayed in the clouds and forgot how close the ground really was. I can be grounded (even when I can’t visibly see the ground). And so can you. You can see through the clouds. You can land the plane in poor visibility!

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha

Does anyone else suffer with a lack of self compassion? I know it can’t just be me.  I can honestly say I am way more compassionate to those around me vs myself. Ok not every one around me. The crazy drivers on the road who cut me off, I am not so compassionate to them. And I certainly don’t have compassion for some of the morning carpool drivers <insert eye rolling here.>

Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. 

The other day while rushing around trying to get things done, I noticed the Salvation Army bell. I always feel bad for the workers standing in the cold ringing the bell for donations. I was frazzled, tired, and emotionally drained, BUT I decided to ask the woman ringing the bell if I could get her a coffee. Her face lit up like the Griswald’s house at Christmas. She asked if she could have hot cocoa with whipped cream, she practically whispered the words. I walked into Harris Teeter, rushed for time, and running late, but made a choice to have compassion for someone. Of course the Starbucks line was long and I found myself wishing I hadn’t made this sudden grand gesture. I was twitching and looking at my watch and trying to figure out how losing this time would affect everything I needed to do. I finally got the hot cocoa and walked/sprinted outside to the woman ringing the bell. She was still smiling when I handed her the cocoa.  I rushed back into the store not understanding why I felt so compelled to help a stranger. For a split second, I felt better for blessing someone else. Then quickly turned back to feeling rushed, frazzled, and tired. My point of this story – why was it so easy to do a kind gesture for a complete stranger, yet for myself, I am my own worst enemy. Why do we have compassion for others but not ourselves? How do we get more self compassion as we go through our messy journeys?

In an effort to own my choices and be accountable and authentic, I have finally realized it’s time I get out of my hole. It’s time to get out of my rut of stress and grief and sadness and worry and self-doubt.  It’s time to take care of me again and join the land of the living. It’s time to control what I can control vs worrying about what I can’t and beating myself up. I am tired –  very tired – emotionally and physically tired – drained.  And my big ol butt can certainly vouch for that! But my anxiety can also vouch for it. I am mad at myself for slipping backwards and for not taking better care of myself.  I had gotten myself to such a good place, exercising, eating right and just enjoying life. Then BAM – a phone call about my father only having a few months to live – sent me spiraling into the world of the uncomfortable. BAM – my messy journey was suddenly too messy!  Uncomfortable for me = anxiety. Uncomfortable = things I can’t control. Uncomfortable = self doubt. I slowly stopped taking good care of myself and slipped into a hole. Anyone who really knows me, knows that when I get in my hole, you can sure as hell guess you aren’t coming in and I am not coming out anytime soon. But why is it so easy to support friends and family, but not ourselves? Why don’t we make the choice to have self compassion? We look out for our kids, husbands, partners, parents, siblings, friends, and the salvation army lady ringing the bell, yet not ourselves. As women with anxiety, our needs fall to the bottom. What I’ve noticed is that once we get near that bottom, panic and anxiety kick in full force. Fight or flight mode sends spirals of emotions and then I eat foods I shouldn’t and have an extra glass or two of wine. Yes I admit it – I find emotional comfort in the foods that give me stomach aches and head aches and also increase my anxiety. It makes no sense! I have complete and utter control over what I eat and drink. Yet, when I start to feel myself going into that hole, self compassion seems to disappear. I have made that choice lately to go for the comfort but my body has had it.  I am tired of being in this place. It’s time move on with my messy journey and practice self compassion.

Who is with me? Let’s hold ourselves accountable for practicing self compassion! It’s so much easier when you aren’t alone fighting your battles. Let’s encourage each other. Let’s practice loving ourselves, all of our parts, all of our faults, and all of our anxiety throughout our messy journeys.

Here are a few ways to begin practicing self-compassion and stop being so hard on yourself:  

1. Treat yourself as you would your child or your best friend
2. Practice mindfulness and meditation (The Calm app is great)
3. Remember that you are not alone
4. Give yourself permission to be imperfect
5. Embrace your faults
6. Smile at yourself in the mirror
7. Give yourself a break – it’s OK to go backwards – just keep moving forward
8. Remember you are enough
9. Continue reading my blog

The Tool Box!  Grief is a crazy thing… It’s amazing how your entire perspective can shift even about your anxiety or just normal day-to-day activities.

Recently someone told me to consider looking at people and their choices differently. I was challenged to separate the person from their choices. Are we really defined by our choices or do our choices define us? Can we be a good person and still make bad choices? Is it possible to separate ourselves from our choices? Can you see goodness in someone who makes bad choices? I know I’m not the only one, but I have a bad habit of judging someone’s character and heart based on their choices (both good and bad). I judge my own character based on my anxiety and my choices. How do you have self compassion for someone else and not yourself? How can we stop defining ourselves and others by their choices?

While stepping back to think about my father and his choices, I realized I had made the choice to judge him by his choices. When you separate the person from the choices, it definitely shifts your perspective. I started thinking about the things that were positive vs negative. One of my greatest memories is the tool box my father gave me when I went away to college. As a kid, I would help him put little things together around the house, until I ended up being the one who was doing it alone. It was actually quite empowering to feel like I could build things or hang pictures or fix things.  He wasn’t very handy (but don’t tell him that). I loved helping him and then taking it over. When I left for college, my father gave me a little black tool box with all of my favorite tools. He even labeled it “Robin’s Tool Box” in pink letters. I loved that box and kept it for many years until the box broke and I had to upgrade. That tool box went to college with me for 4 years, moved to DC with me and got married with me.  By shifting to a positive memory and not some of my father’s bad choices, I was able to change my perspective.

But – I made a choice last night to eat some foods that my body doesn’t like. My head loves the yummy fattening food, but the rest of me does not. I made a choice to eat something that I knew would bother me, yet did it anyway. Does that make me a bad person for making a bad choice for myself? I lost all self compassion and had to look at myself in the mirror.  I thought about my toolbox. I had to use my tools (literally and figuratively). As I’ve gone on my messy journey to help my anxiety, I have been learning different coping tools for my anxiety tool box. Just as you go to your tool box for a hammer or screw driver, you can also go to your tool box for non tangible tools for anxiety. We pick different tools for different projects and situations. When my stomach was killing me in the middle of the night, I thought of my tool box, after all it was called “Robin’s Tool Box,” so I should use my tools. We should all use our tools to help our life and our emotions. Do we get mad when the picture won’t hang on the wall right, maybe, but we keep trying to find the right tool to help finish the project. The same philosophy applies to our emotions, we just need to build a tool box of tools to help with our messy journey.

Here are a few tools from my tool box:

• Drink hot tea (decaf)
• Focus on breathing – slow and steady
• Prayer
• Find positive distractions – Reading, drawing, writing
• Walking barefoot on the ground outside – Grounding
• Watching the Real Housewives or Days of our Lives
• Hugging my kids
• Practicing gratitude
• Tape measure and level (LOL) I had to add some real tools

Granted it’s all easier said then done, but realizing that I had a my own tool box became very comforting. And you can build your own tool box too. Just image a little black tool box with pink letters and your name on it! Carry that box around as you go through your messy journey and know that you’ve got this.

“<insert name>’s Tool Box”

RINSE AND REPEAT!  Why is it in the grand scheme of things, we put ourselves last? Maybe it’s just me, but I go go go go go go and then wonder why I’m so tired or so anxious. I don’t really know how to slow down – until my body makes me. I’ve been running on fumes… literally fumes. Did I say fumes?  We all have those times in life when things peak.  We go up, down, right, left, here, there and repeat.  Just like the shampoo bottle says – Rinse and Repeat.  In order to be truly authentic, I am owning that my anxious feelings have crept back in. Running on empty, not stopping to feel hard emotions, and not allowing myself to not be ok, my body finally screamed STOP. I am worn out – mentally and physically. I haven’t been as healthy as I was before this whole process with my dad started. Eating healthy, less wine, and exercising all helps anxiety (at least it helps mine).  Yet – when I get to a certain level of stress and my anxiety kicks in – I go into fight or flight mode (exercise and diet always come last).  I went on autopilot and continued to Rinse and Repeat….  It’s funny too because anxiety is about what you can’t control yet we lose sight of what we can really control. I had an eye-opening moment this weekend.  I was complaining about the increased size of my butt to my husband. In his usual direct and nonchalant way, he looked at me and said “Well you have control over your weight. You can control this. You can get back to where you were or want to be. If you don’t like it, do something about it.” And just like that he went back to reading the paper. That simple statement sounded crazy to me…

I need to stop rinsing and repeating. We all need to stop rinsing and repeating.  Screw the what shampoo bottle says, I never really do that anyway. I mean does anyone ever really shampoo twice. It’s time to stop repeating with the shampoo and with our messy journeys.  I had gotten myself to such a good place and felt so grounded and then the world started to shatter around me. The moment I got that phone call that my dad’s life expectancy was drastically shortened – everything changed. The man who I didn’t want to talk to and sometimes didn’t even really want in my life – I suddenly needed to hear his voice. Suddenly I just needed him not to die. I literally spent two months watching him slowly deteriorate piece by piece. I watched his ability to walk disappear, his senses change and was on the phone with him (via his nurse) when he took his last breath. I spoke to him more when he was dying then when he was living. Death has always made me very anxious, but then again so did my father. These conflicting emotions have had me running even faster away from feeling anything. Guess what – you can’t do that. Anxiety is like that little whining kid who will keep screaming louder and louder the more you try not to listen.  Eventually the kid is screaming and so is your anxiety.

So here I am… Trying to own it… Trying to be authentic…. Trying to just focus on my breath. Trying to tell myself it’s ok to not be OK.  Trying to tell myself I don’t have to repeat anymore.  This is my messy journey and I do have control over the choices I make. Remember – you have to make a choice to take a chance to make a change. We don’t always believe we have any control when we have anxious feelings. That little voice tries to convince us we have to panic, we aren’t ok, and we have no control.  But we always have a choice. There are things we can control in life and it starts with our choices.  From this moment on, I am going to take a chance to make a choice NOT TO RINSE AND REPEAT.  And you can too!  It’s your messy journey and you have the ability to make the choice NOT RINSE AND REPEAT!