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My word for 2023 is CHOICE

Choice is an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.

Webster’s Dictionary

It sounds pretty simple to think that we all have the innate ability to make a choice. But in reality, accepting that fact and making it wisely are two totally different things. As part of my messy journey and struggle with anxiety, I have realized that I have more choices available to me than I ever believed. This may sound all mumbo jumbo, but when you have anxiety, you feel like you have no control and no choices. Anxiety can be a paralyzing, heart racing, dizzy panic that can stop you dead in your tracks. Anyone who has experienced the moment when the room starts to spin, your left arm appears to go numb (when in fact it is fine), and the “oh no’s” echo in your brain – knows that it feels like you don’t have a choice. Instead, you feel like victim in your own body and mind.

When we were trying to move to Charlotte from Northern Virginia many years ago, I had probably my scariest heart attack (or what I thought was a heart attack – which was really a massive panic attack) ever. My husband had accepted a new position in Charlotte and traveled back and forth every weekend for almost six months. It was an INCREDIBLY challenging, overwhelming, and emotional time for both of us. Did I say that it was INCREDIBLY challenging, overwhelming, and emotional?

• We both worked full time in an office (not remote as the world does now).
• We lived in Northern Virginia and suffered through the horrendous DC commute to work. It could take me thirty-five minutes or two hours depending on the day, the sunrise, sunset, or whatever idiot caused a traffic jam.
• Our first son was only a year and a half old and had MAJOR… MAJOR… MAJOR issues sleeping at night. He also went to a Nanny/Sitter’s house for childcare every day. I should also mention that our beloved Nanny decided to move an additional 45 minutes away and doubled my commute to work during this time. There were days my commute one way was actually two SOLID hours. Can you imagine that? Two hours from the moment you left your house, dropped off your child at the Nanny, sat in your car, and finally arrived at your office.
• We were trying to sell our house and had multiple showings at all hours and all times. Anyone who has tried to sell their house knows that you have to keep your house spotless and ready to sell! And that is NOT fun or EASY. It is amazing how little respect realtors had for our situation.
• Oh, and we had a dog – who was having accidents in the house – and we had to coordinate with realtor showings.

So, one day after I dropped off my son at the Nanny’s and ventured on my long boring commute to the office (it was and an hour and half that day), I realized something just was not right. I knew I was beyond overwhelmed, massively sleep deprived, and stressed out to a breaking point. I remember sitting in my office trying to work but the room was spinning. I felt dizzy. I tried to eat whatever lunch I had prepared for myself, but the sight of it made me feel sick. My husband had flown out that morning back to Charlotte and I felt a great loss without him there. He was not even in the same state. I suddenly felt very alone and very scared. In those moments or hours later as, I am now sure how much time went by; a co-worker came into my office. I felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, heart racing and pounding fervently in my chest, my breath was short, and I swear my arm was going numb. “I think… I’m having a heart attack….,” I murmured.

Before I knew what was happening, I was carted out of my office, onto a stretcher, and into an ambulance. I can still see everyone watching from their office windows and I was rolled out of the building. On the trek to the hospital, I can’t even tell you what was going on. I remember the absolute and pure fear of death I felt and then thinking of my sweet little boy and my family. I kept telling the medic, “I can’t die… I have a son… I’m a mom… I’m a wife… I’m a daughter… I’m a sister…I have a life!”

The day was long and very blurry. I went through a series of tests and scans and monitors and then more tests and scans and monitors. Doctors came in and out of my hospital room and asked all sorts of questions (none of which I remember). After an exceedingly long, exhausting, and terrifying day, I was finally told that everything was fine. I was Ok. OMG – I WAS OK! I was not having a heart attack but was instead having a panic/anxiety attack from all of the above. My poor husband had to fly back home and rush to the hospital. He called our Nanny to keep our sweet little “not sleeping” son until we could get to him. All I wanted was to see my husband’s face and have my son nestled in my arms. As you can imagine, I was finally diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder. I learned in those months preceding that I do in fact have a choice. Instead of panicking my entire long commute to work, I chose to get books on cd and listen to in the car. Instead of rushing in the morning, I chose to prepare more at night and get up earlier. Instead of feeling nervous when my husband was out of town, I chose to feel more confident in myself and my abilities. Instead of skipping meals, I chose to eat healthier and drink plenty of water. Instead of believing I couldn’t do it, I chose to believe I could! While I couldn’t control what was going on around me, I could control some of what was going on in me. And I did it. We did it – well obviously, since we live in Charlotte now, lol. That moment which is forever etched in my mind was 16 years ago.

Except – I seem to forget at various times in life along the way, that I do in fact have a CHOICE. The “uh-ohs,” and the “oh-no’s,” and the “I cant’s” have a way of creeping in at times.

BUT

I DO HAVE A CHOICE.

And my friends – I am here to tell you that you have a choice too!

This is my messy journey and the anxious chronicles of my very recent covid vaccination experience. I am currently facing some of the after the Covid Shot anxiety and side effects. I thought that perhaps writing again might actually help me to calm down. I intentionally do not post anything about religion, politics, the news, or my personal view points. I will not talk to anyone about my personal decision to get the covid vaccine.

The mere thought of not knowing how my body will react to this shot or even what the potential long term effects could be have been absolutely terrifying. It’s had me massively anxious – massively worried – massively scared – massively (in other words a massive hot mess). I always worry when I take a new medication or if there is even the slightest amount of change. Maybe it’s not having control. Maybe it’s just the unknown. Maybe it’s just all part of my messy journey with anxiety.

Why I made the decision to get the vaccine doesn’t really matter. It’s more important to understand how getting the vaccine has made me feel. I thought I was going to have a panic attack and pass out when I got the first shot. The room started spinning, my chest got tight, and I started sweating (all of which are part of the major reaction symptoms to the shot). GREAT – my panic attack mirrored the symptoms of an allergic reaction. I also intentionally went to a healthcare facility to get my shot. I didn’t feel safe or comfortable with a grocery store pharmacist or a CVS pharmacy tech giving me my shot (since in my mind they aren’t medically trained professionals). No offense to anyone in those positions – it’s just a personal decision for me. I didn’t take a Xanax and wanted to put my big girl pants on and practice my anxiety tools. I was very blessed to have gotten the shot with one of my dearest friends who did a phenomenal job of keeping me distracted during the process. Ok phew 1st shot done and just a dull headache the next day. I was OK and YAY me – I did it! I was quite proud of myself for attempting to take control of my anxiety and make a very important choice. I felt good that I made it through my first shot relatively unscathed. But it’s not the 1st shot and the side effects that everyone talks about – it’s the second one.

As the time got closer for my second shot, I could feel my anxiety increasing every day. Instead of trying to work through my anxiety and practice all of my tools, I became very restless and sought to find distractions, food, and wine. My poor little stomach and nervous system absolutely can not handle all of that.

The day came this past Monday – 48 hours ago. Monday June 14th at 1 pm I got my 2nd Covid Shot and I was a massively anxious panicky worried freaked out MESS! I worked out earlier in the day which 100% helped, but the unknown is just too much for my brain. I also wanted to skip the Xanax and put those big girl panties right back on. I could feel my anxiety and my stomach swirling. As the clock ticked closer and closer to the time I needed to leave, I second guessed my decision to do this. I am causing myself this anxiety. I have the power to prevent this anxiety and prevent this all from happening. For a variety of reasons, my 16 year old son went with me for my second shot. Waves of panic and fear overcame me. I talked honestly to my son about my anxiety and how I work very hard to try to manage it. I talked myself in circles as we drove to the facility. What was my worst fear? Dying!! Having a heart attack and falling to the ground! I don’t want to die! I don’t want to do this! – Echoed on constant repeat in my head. The shot itself is quick and painless. The 15 minutes of “watch for a reaction time” is the worst. My anxiety mirrors all of the immediate reactions that they warn you about. I sat there in a cold chair with my son next to me trying to make jokes while my voice trembled with fear. Once again, I felt waves of dizziness, my chest tightening, my stomach swirling, and questioning all of my symptoms. I watched the clock until we it hit 15 minutes. Am I OK? Did I have a reaction? Was I really OK so far? I was a NERVOUS wreck. I credit my son with his sincere respect and concern. We talked honestly about anxiety and second guessing yourself and things. He feels like you miss out on life when you second guess it so much – so he feels good about his own decision making process. His thinking was so profound and so grown up that for a brief moment – he became the parent and I the child. These boys of mine, while they may make me crazy, they also challenge my own way of thinking and inspire me. The way they both faced Covid and the year of crazy amazed me. They had their ups and downs of course, but man they are so resilient, I’m both proud of jealous. Covid has made me less resilient, less confident, more anxious, more worried, and more fearful. They realize they lost a school year so to speak, but are excited to start school in the fall. They aren’t worried about the past or the future. They are both focused on right now – today! While I may not do a good job of managing my own anxiety, I have worked really hard to teach them the necessary life tools for their emotional success (too bad I can’t take my own advice). And these boys are pretty damn awesome!

My son smiled while he looked at me with eye brows raised after the shot was over and asked if was OK! Did I pass out and die? No I did not. Did I have any immediate side effects? No I did not. Was I still breathing? Yes I was. Is it finally OVER – OH HELL YES! I had worked myself up into such an anxious mess that I was still slightly dizzy, still lightly off, and still worried. We went to lunch, ran a few errands and had a nice afternoon together. I felt very blessed to have had the time with him. Over the years, I tried very hard over the years to hide my anxiety from my kids. It was nice to be real with him. Oh I love these boys of mine. I just have to learn that they are older now and they don’t need me as much. I also have to face my own anxiety and try to hide it anymore.

The hard part now was waiting, wondering, and worrying how my body would react over the next 12 hours. After a healthy dinner a couple of glasses of wine off to bed I went. I woke up restless several times but by 5:00 am I had a terrible terrible (almost migraine) headache and just felt off. I didn’t have the fever, the aches, or the pains – so initially I thought that was a win. But my head hurt, my stomach was rumbling, and my body was definitely trying to figure out what do next.

So here we are today, I woke up at 6:00 am with an awfully upset stomach. Do you ever have those parts of you that you really want to change? The way you react to something, the way you respond to emotions or feelings or triggers, or just the way you are. Today, I am facing a part of myself that I’d really like to change. I can not handle feeling extremely sick or nauseated. I can handle a mild headache or stomach ache considering I get them all the time. I can even handle a fever. BUT I can not handle my stomach being sick. I panic. I freak out and I overthink about overthinking. 48 hours after the shot and I feel absolutely awful. I paced the house trying to calm my nerves which only made me feel sicker. I wished I hadn’t done this. I started worrying about 5,000 things that haven’t even happened. I did try google, but found that my nausea was in fact a side effect of the vaccine (at least google didn’t say I was dying or about to die). In times of panic and worry and symptom checking – Google is NOT your friend. The internet should actually have a disclaimer…. “If you are going to check your symptoms, we suggest talking to your doctor not google!”

As my chronicle comes to an end (at least for today), I am feeling better as I go through my Messy Journey. My head wants a glass of wine, but my stomach wants to vomit. I’ve had to take my VERY anxious mind and rest and BE and just freaking STOP! I am worried I won’t feel better. I am worried things will get worse. I am worried about more side effects. I am worried about long term side effects. I am worried I won’t sleep good tonight. I am worried my my bubbling stomach won’t be better tomorrow. I need to stop the circling thoughts and watch DIY for the day. I need to accept the fact that it’s OK NOT to feel GOOD – That I will be OK!

May we all learn self care, self compassion, and the ability to just BE! May we all tell ourselves – WE ARE OK! Things happen good and bad and that’s part of life. The beauty of it all – the fear – the worry – the laughter – the cheers – the pain – all makes us who we are. But we have to make the choice to breathe and just BE! Making the decision and actually getting the Covid vaccine has been a true inner battle for me. I made a choice to willingly make myself sick. I could have prevented this anxiety, the side effects, the anxiety, but I made a choice. Why I made the choice to get the vaccine was my personal decision. My anxiety however isn’t so happy with me! I know deep down this won’t last forever – nothing does.

If anyone has had similar issues, I hope you will share your experiences and stories. Please keep any and all comments non political. Please also respect an individual’s to get the shot or NOT get the shot.

What do I need RIGHT now? The question sounds simple enough. Yet during this past year of pure insanity, I think we have all lost the innate ability to focus on “what we need” to make us happy, calm, relaxed, or even at peace. This year has literally robbed us all of sanity. We have been stuck in a constant fight or flight mode. As soon as we start to relax or get into some semblance of a routine – POOF – another challenge. I want to put my entire family into a bubble packaged with bubble wrap to keep them safe and secure from everything and everyone.

As busy moms, how often do we take the time to stop and ask ourselves ” What do I need right now?” Somehow in the midst of Covid, and no school, and virtual school, and everyone home, and everyone home, and everyone home (did I say everyone home), and then back to school partially, and then back to school four days a week, and then back to school 5 days a week, I have somehow lost my ability to truly take care of myself. How could you not?

How often do we just stop to acknowledge whatever range of emotions we are feeling? How often do we just give ourselves some GRACE! If you are like me, you haven’t and you certainly don’t stop for self care. I have been focused on the never ending amount of dishes that continuously appear in the sink. I have been focused on my family and navigating through Covid and home school and everything else in between. I have been focused on meal plans and finding projects around the house to keep me busy. I have been focused on anything but me and what I need. Instead I have felt claustrophobic, stuck, worried, concerned, always on edge, and not giving myself some grace.

So how do we take more care of ourselves? How we do make time for ourselves? I am personally very guilty of enabling my family a little too much and putting way too much pressure on myself instead. In my own anxiety and throughout my messy journey, the need to control things and have them perfect has been a big issue. During this pandemic my insane need to find some semblance of control has manifested itself by obsessing over keeping my house impeccably clean. And I mean PERFECTLY clean. Like one spot in the sink makes me crazy, or the constant dishes in the sink, or the juice boxer wrapper camouflaged on the floor, or the endless dog toys, or the empty water bottles laying around…. etc… Small little things have become very big annoying things. Hello OCD!

I am also soooo tired of the four walls of my house but at the same time I don’t want to leave my house. It’s a complete and utter oxymoron. The house seems to shrink when everyone just happens to be in the same room, same spot at the same time… How that always happens I don’t know? Yet when they aren’t here, I wish everyone was snuggled together. I yearn for peace and quiet, yet when I have it, I become anxious and unsettled. It’s this strange place to be in – one where you aren’t quiet settled in the present but accustomed to distractions and issues and challenges. As things slowly settle into another new normal and the school year is ALMOST over (THANK GOD), we can finally start to readjust and realign and redo and find some grace. It’s finally time for us Moms to step back and start to take care of ourselves.

After a recent doctor check up, the doctor told me how woman over the age of forty have hormones that wreak absolute havoc on our bodies. And then you throw in a pandemic – well it’s all to hell in hand bag (or is it hand basket)? Regardless, if you are a busy Mom over the age of the forty mixed with this pandemic and a handful of lovely hormonal emotions has made you feel worse. At least it has to me! Men are so lucky! They can decide to lose weight and a month later they’ve done it. Their bodies don’t show stretch marks and their minds don’t suffer emotional outbreaks.

Wow what a year this has been!! Who would have ever thought in our lifetimes we would EVER have experienced something like this. Our entire world shut down. It utterly and completely SHUT DOWN and everything and everyone STOPPED across the entire world. During this past year, I have needed a glass of wine, anything with cheese in it, and whatever Amazon said shoppers are buying right now. As we all know these are temporary fixes and literally just add on the pounds. I have not stopped to ask myself what do I REALLY need right now?

This morning as I sipped my morning coffee with the kids off to school and the husband upstairs working, I realized that I just needed to close my eyes and take a little nap. I was tired and didn’t need to feel shame for simply being tired. I just needed to allow myself what my body needed – a little nap at 9:30 am. For the record I did get up at 6:30 am to take my one son to school and just couldn’t wake up today. Normally I would have a mental battle about all of the things I should or shouldn’t be doing and start overthinking into an anxious swirl. But today I stopped myself and asked “What do I need RIGHT now?” The answer was simple – To take a deep breath and just relax and close my eyes for a few minutes. And poof – I did it and felt relief! I stepped back for a minute and asked myself “What do I need right now?” And finally listened!

I challenge all of us to ask ourselves at least once a day – “What do I need right now?” and then to actually listen to what your body and mind are telling you!

And for anyone who needs to hear this:

YOU MATTER

YOU ARE ENOUGH

YOU ARE LOVED

AND YES YOU CAN DO THIS!

What do you need right now?

#themessyjourney

My Truth…

Covid and everything about it sucks. It just plain f—n sucks. I realized I jinxed it all in February and March, when I was absolutely, totally, and honestly just wishing for a break… Begging for a break… I wanted things to slow down (but to slow down on my terms). I was tired of driving kids to and from school, to and from practices and games, to and from activities with their friends, combined with working, managing the house, our family, and everything else that could possibly fit in between. I was desperate for a pause. The role of Julie the Cruise Director is exhausting especially when you include maid, chef, therapist, tutor, chauffer… And ANY mom out there knows exactly what I am talking. BUT – To the world out there – I am so sorry – I jinxed us all.  This was not the PAUSE I had in mind.

My Truth…..

I do not like pausing… stopping… slowing down.. Worse – being FORCED to pause. I only know how to go from zero to 100. My dear friend (my anxiety) really hates being abruptly and suddenly stopped in her tracks. She really does not like change of any form. And to push her OVER edge, let’s add in – Not having any control. All of those “things” cause the perfect storm emotionally and mentally.

My truth….

Covid has made my anxiety double if not triple.  The extravert in me definitely got depressed. The social people person definitely hated being STUCK inside. No gyms, no yoga studios, no manicures or pedicures, no massages, no shopping (except online), and no interacting. It is an introverts dream and an extrovert’s nightmare. No exercise, bad food choices, and enough wine to feed a third world country – And here I am, I am not pleased with who and what I have become.

My truth….

The isolation, the pause, the stop, the change, damn international pandemic, I am in a place where I need to lose weight and find another version of myself. A better version of myself. One that is not scared to see the number on the scale. One that looks in the mirror and is filled with self-compassion not self-loathing. One that is not scared to just BE.  And one that can finally let go and have some true peace.

My truth….

Sometimes I feel like I fail my children. I worry how much they will spend on therapy discussing how I did them wrong. Sometimes I feel so stuck in my house that I want to scream. Sometimes I worry I will never find a healthier me. Sometimes I feel like I will never the lose the Covid weight and will be stuck like this. Sometimes I feel like I do not know what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I just want to go back to college (of course I would know what I know now). Sometimes I just wonder when things will ever be normal again. What is normal anymore? And sometimes I just wonder if anyone else feels this way. 

My truth!

THE FORCED PAUSE – During our Messy Journeys, we all want the option to pause our lives. We are supposed to control our own lives, our own actions, and our own behaviors. Normally and in 2019 yes – but because of the Coronavirus of 2020, absolutely everything has drastically and suddenly STOPPED.

None of us wants to be forced to STOP –  And definitely not stopped dead in our tracks.  To STOP every normal daily activity. To STOP all of those small simple little things we take for granted. To STOP going to the grocery store. To STOP going to the mall (which for some of us is harder than others – present company included). To STOP going to the gym. Or even to STOP hanging out with friends and family.

Due to this epidemic (one I never imagined I’d experience in my lifetime), we have ALL been forced to STOP. I mean STOP absolutely every little single detail of our lives (good and bad). I am learning however that this is really more of a forced PAUSE. Whether we like it or not, the world keeps spinning around it’s axis, the days and months continue, the seasons continue, and life goes on (just not as we know it). We have to figure out a way to adapt or our sanity will dissipate.  If you are anxious, this forced stop and the inability to accept change will cause way way way more anxiety. Did I say WAY more anxiety?

My anxiety is through the roof. I initially found solace in my family being home together. The key word here is “initially.”  I actually liked having the kids home “initially.” I focused my attention on fun activities for our family, planning meals, stocking the fridge and freezer, and keeping the house clean and Lysol’ed. I always clean when I’m anxious (which is both good and bad). I was somewhat accepting what was going on around me…. UNTIL….. HOME SCHOOL and Virtual Learning and the STAY HOME Order. The Government urging me to stay home and not go to the  grocery store, not go to Southern Spirits, or even just a cute little boutique – started sending my anxious little brain into OCD over drive. And the normal 2019 evening homework battles became during the day! Yeah me! We have all been adjusting, adapting, dealing, etc with this pandemic differently. I’ve worn my self out trying to clean, teach, clean, teach, prepare, plan, clean, teach, cook, provide, clean teach… Do you see the pattern here? My saving vice – a glass of red wine, well maybe a few glasses. If you suffer from anxiety you are well aware, it will catch up with you eventually. Hello Anxiety! Today it ALL caught up with me…. I’m stuck… The wine, stress, hormones, home school, my house, Lysol, the obsession with face masks, not having a face mask, not having gloves, running out of wet ones, running out of toilet paper, and last but not least – staying in my house and just BE! I am not very good at practicing the pause and or being still or anything associated with “just be.” I can’t go to the gym or a yoga class. I’m certainly not good at motivating myself. I really have to step up for me, but I haven’t been. Distractions… distractions… distractions… This really is a FORCED PAUSE. A forced stop of old behaviors and actions and a reason to practice gratitude. As Moms, we do very little for ourselves. Now that we have to do even more for everyone else – it’s even more important to find ourselves again and just PAUSE. Pause to breathe. Pause to listen to the birds. Pause to thank your kid’s teachers. Pause to hope you don’t have to keep home schooling. Pause to be thankful for all of your blessings (big and small). Pause to find peace.  Pause to just pause.  PAUSE!

I have gotten myself into a big tightly wound up knot with everything and everyone circling around me –  especially the worries of this virus. I have been trying to manage my anxiety by distractions. Everything is just so scary and so different right now. I haven’t given myself any grace during this challenging time. I haven’t given myself any grace period. We all need to give ourselves some grace here. This is a scary time for the world and everyone in it. We need to give the world a little grace, ourselves a little grace, and practice the pause.

Stay healthy, stay calm, and practice the forced pause!

We aren’t alone – However – We are very alone. I know that’s a contradiction – but it really is our reality right now. The entire world is feeling the awful effects of this pandemic.  We are all feeling the same worry, concern, anxiety, and fear. I do feel some solace in knowing that we aren’t alone in how we are feeling – everyone in the world is suffering together. And yet, with a “Stay at Home” order, we are forced to be alone in our homes. We can’t interact with our friends, other family members, or co-workers. We can’t go about our day as we normally would.

The Coronavirus 2020 has literally stopped the world and each of us in our tracks. Our daily routines, our plans, our jobs, our everything has come to a complete and utter halt. What’s crazy is that I’m bored and overwhelmed at the same time. For those of us who suffer from anxiety – the idea of being bored and overwhelmed is NOT a fun feeling. My house seems to be shrinking in size. The walls are literally caving in. We are on top of each other even when we aren’t in the same room.  Talk about forced family time! Phew! I love my family more than anything else – but I’d like to miss them just a little bit now and then. And don’t even get me started on the home-schooling! <insert eye roll and mad face.>

On the bright side, I finally found some toilet paper. Unlike most of the population, I am not hoarding anything or depriving anyone of the necessities. I can’t tell you how many store aisles I’ve checked only to see bare shelves. What I want to know – Where are people putting all of this toilet paper? I guarantee someone has a shed filled with toilet paper they will never use, while the rest of us might end up using our CVS receipt.  *NOTE: For anyone who doesn’t know – CVS receipts are always like a mile long with tons of coupons you will never use. Things almost got a little crazy around my house <insert poop emoji>, but with some extra TP, I think we might be OK for a little while or at least until our supply runs out. I’ve gone to the store a few times and quite panic stricken the entire time. I also carry my limited supply of wet ones everywhere I go.  But I am in denial (or in denial mode as I like to call it) that all of this is really happening to me, to us, to the world. I never expected to ever experience anything like this in my lifetime. I prefer to stay in denial mode, but it quickly comes to halt when I realize I can’t just go to the store or meet a friend for lunch or go about my merry little way. Therefore – denial mode doesn’t last very long. When I am not in my so-called denial mode, the true seriousness of this virus is terrifying and I become VERY VERY VERY anxious. This truly is a Stephen King movie that is directed by Quentin Tarantino.

My husband and I attempted to venture to Lowe’s Hardware store over the weekend (in partial denial mode) and with wet ones. It’s amazing how trying NOT to touch your face, makes you want to touch your face even more. I was SHOCKED and I mean SHOCKED at the crowds at Lowe’s on a Saturday afternoon. You would have never guessed there’s a terrible virus wreaking havoc on the world. I kept my safe distance, constantly wiped my hands, and told my husband “not to touch his face.” I was very disappointed at the lack of concern that others in the store showed. I felt even worse for the employees. Sadly, the news reported yesterday that two workers at Lowe’s have come down with the virus (not at our store – phew). That just proves how people are NOT being careful. One of my co-workers sent me the absolute BEST quote:

“JESUS RODE AN ASS INTO JERUSALEM, KEEP YOURS AT HOME!”

(I should note this was actually posted at a church).

I know I am not the only one who feels this way…

STUCK

BORED

OVERWHELMED 

WORRIED

SCARED

CONCERNED

TRAPPED

ISOLATED

         LYSOL’ED OUT

I have cleaned, and washed my hands, and sprayed Lysol so much – My hands are dry and my new perfume is now called Lysol. So, my friends, I have a challenge for myself and for you…. PRACTICE KINDNESS! Now is the time to do something nice for someone else. I’ve started writing personal messages on my friend’s driveways with chalk to surprise them. I would love to cover the neighborhood with positive sidewalk messages. Try to do one selfless thing every day. Maybe you feed the birds, buy someone else a roll of toilet paper, tell a joke, make a donation to someone in need, or say thank you to the many individuals risking their lives to save ours. Just make someone smile or laugh or feel appreciated and loved! And most importantly – KEEP YOUR ASS AT HOME!  The sooner we aren’t alone, the better.

We aren’t alone in this – However – We are very alone.

#themessyjourney

#coronaviruschallenge

 

 

What the world needs now is love sweet love! 

I hear that song echo in my head. I saw it on a Facebook post recently and it truly resonated with me. It sounds so simple to just love and everything will be alright. Could it really be that simple?  Maybe we have all been “loving” all of the wrong things. Maybe we have all been “loving” the wrong objects, the wrong feelings, the wrong priorities, and most importantly the wrong thoughts. I am sure very few people can say they are truly content to just BE. If you are that person, than my hat goes off to you, and please tell me how!  I’ve personally been on a very messy journey to figure out HOW to just BE for quite some time. I find it and then lose it again. And each time I lose that feeling of peace and grounding, it seems harder and harder to get it back. I let what’s going on around me affect me. (Did you catch that key word I just said – LET. I let…. I let things happen, I let things affect me, I let things stay stuck! I am learning I only have power over ME!I can only control ME, no one else. I can not control another person’s thoughts, actions or behaviors. What I can control – is how that person affects my thoughts, actions and behaviors. Sounds easy enough, but I have been letting the negative talk in my head become my reality.  I was listening Joel Osteen on the radio the other day and he was talking about the negative thoughts we all have in our head.  I promise I am not giving a sermon.  He said we can NOT give voice to the negative thoughts in our head. We can not let them become our reality. If we constantly speak those negative thoughts and give them a voice, they become our reality. It’s the negative discussions with have with ourselves that prevent us from conquering the world. It’s the self doubt, the worry, the fear, and the struggles that hold us back.  I think I have talked about being STUCK so much – I’ve given a voice to that negative thought – and I’ve actually become stuck. I’ve made myself stuck. I gave a voice to being STUCK.

Since my father passed away September of 2019, I have been stuck. Stuck in the wrong things. Stuck with the wrong priorities, the wrong feelings, the wrong everything. I have been so focused on what was and not what is or will be.  I have 5,000,000,000 self help books that I have collected over the years (all with the best of intentions) and never read. A tool box with tips and tricks for managing anxiety that I’m not using. The exercises I’m NOT doing. The Yoga, the running, the biking, and the just BEING that I’m not doing. I gave a voice to being STUCK and became STUCK. I let being STUCK take over my messy journey.

Due to this absolutely crazy scary world right now, we all have to BE. We don’t have a choice. We have to BE. We have to adjust. We have to BE. We have to learn to slow down and stop focusing on the wrong things and stop giving a voice to the negative thoughts. This too shall pass (thank you Mom).  We have to recognize and believe that this too shall pass. Someone recently told me that they find solace in knowing that the entire world is connected right now and going through this at the same time. You aren’t alone – the entire world is in this together. If you think about it from that perspective – it’s pretty spectacular. The world is coming together one breath at a time. In the midst of all of this unknown and fear, the world is learning how to BE and breathe again. We all have great impact on each other. The earth is healing, now it’s our turn to heal (in the midst of darkness and fear). Hug your loved ones tighter, appreciate the all of the simple things you have taken for granted, be thankful for everything, everyone, and every breath you take, and learn to just BE. Don’t give FEAR a voice in this very messy journey.

To the mom who is doing her best….

Life is not easy and of course it’s all about perspective. In the midst of having children in the middle school and high school years actually having perspective is probably one of the hardest things – next to letting go (or at least releasing some of the reigns).  Sometimes (when I am completely overwhelmed which seems to be more often than not) I try to imagine what it was like when I was a kid. We all have some good memories and some bad ones. I prefer to remember the family vacations, playing freeze tag and running races with my friends. I remember jelly shoes and swatch watches and Bennetton.  I remember roller skating in the street to the “Top Gun” soundtrack and dancing around my room with my headphones and cassette player listening to Olivia Newton John and “Let’s Get Physical”. I remember leg warmers and permed hair. We won’t talk about the permed hair and especially not the permed hair and the sun-in days.  I remember Madonna and the song “Like a Virgin” and not knowing what a virgin was. I didn’t have the greatest Dad, but I had a Mom who made sure we had some amazing memories.  I miss the days where we could leave our doors unlocked, ride in the back seat without a seat belt, play outside until the street lights come on, and walk to a friend’s house without a care in the world. I remember when blocking someone meant taking the phone off the hook. And OMG – remember when call waiting was invented. I hated it when my parents were on the phone, what if I missed a call? We had pagers and rotary phones and no internet. We didn’t need the internet because we had our Encyclopedia Britannica books. We wrote notes instead of texting. We rode bikes to our friend’s house instead of playing video games online together. We had the best movies. They don’t make movies like they used to. It’s amazing how a simple line from a movie can bring back a flood of wonderful memories.

• “Goodness gracious great balls of fire!” – Top Gun
• “Wax on.. wax off.” – Karate Kid
• “Luke, follow the force!” – Return of the Jedi
• “When you don’t have anything, you don’t have anything to lose. Right?” – Sixteen Candles
• “Did you call me a chicken?” – Back to the Future
• “The sun will come out tomorrow.” – Annie
• “As you wish….!” – Princess Bride

For me thinking of life so simple, makes the chaos around me not seem quite so chaotic and not so messy.  Today in 2019 – The whole raising kids thing is NO JOKE! My mom always tells me how different things are from her time as a kid to mine and now her grandsons.  Kids and parents today have to be prepared for lock downs and potential shootings. They have to be watched and monitored when they play outside for fear of being kidnapped. They all have cell phones and are posting on social media. They are snapping, tik tok’ing, and learning adult things at too young of an age. They have to be watched for online predators and social media bullies. I wish I could build an invisible fence around family – with the occasional shock collar  (lol).

Everything seems to be moving so much faster than it did in the 80’/90’s. We don’t have the chance to “Paint the fence” or dance around like no one is watching.  Life was definitely so much simpler back then – of course I wasn’t a parent back then either. I am literally scared to send my kids to school. Scared to let them play outside and scared to let them gain their independence. What if they make a bad choice? What if something happens? It’s terribly hard to find the balance between protecting your children and helping them to navigate through life. And finding time for yourself at the same time. Thank you to wine industry for helping to survive this very messy journey!

To the moms out there – What I am learning is that if my kids don’t tell me they hate me at least once – Then I am NOT doing my job as their parent! It’s great to try to be their friend, but they have to learn how to manage in the real world. With each phase of their lives, it’s a learning experience for both of us (the kids and the moms). I couldn’t wait for my kids to say Mom, now I want to change my name to Dad. It’s a balancing act and somehow the needs of Mom are the lowest on the totem pole, if at all. It’s hard not to believe we aren’t wonder woman and we can’t do it all. But we aren’t and we can’t. And that’s totally OK! We just have to tell ourselves that. We make mistakes, they make mistakes. We just have to learn from those mistakes. We have to “Just keep swimming” through our own messy journeys!

For quite some time now, my perspective has been off the radar. I have not been allowing myself to just BE – Just BE in the PRESENT – Just BE in the NOW – Just BE with the world around me – Just BEING. Do you know what starts to happen when you don’t spend time alone and just BE? Anxiety. It starts slowly and gradually affects your day to day. Anxiety makes you question yourself and your ability to BE. The greatest gift we can give ourselves is to love ourselves with all of our faults and imperfections. We need to appreciate the beauty in us and around us. The world we live in today doesn’t offer a lot of peace and balance or harmony. We have to find it and we have to create it. We have to believe in ourselves.

Change is my biggest enemy and my greatest challenge. Change has the power to create massive anxiety and chaos. Change is new. Change is a friend moving away. Change is starting a new job. Change is traveling. Change is doing something you don’t normally do. Change is not believing you can do it. Change is looking backwards. Change is afraid to look forward. Change is gravity. Change is the scale. Change is the unknown.

So how do you handle change ? One word – PERSPECTIVE. One simple thought, one simple word can change you for the better.  Did you notice that the word BE is part of the word BETTER?  You can BE – Better!  PERSPECTIVE. This one word can shift your attitude from sad to happy, from anxious to calm, from mad to forgiving, from denial to accepting, from holding on to letting go. We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to hold onto every hurt, every worry, every wound.  Holding onto those things we see in the rear view don’t help us – they actually hold us back from BEING.  We don’t have to look like a Sports Illustrated swim suit model. Social media and TV and the internet make us believe we aren’t good enough. BUT by changing your perspective, You are ENOUGH and you can BE anything! You can BE. You have the power to change your perspective. You have the power to look forward and not backward. You have the power to conquer the fear of change. You have the power to believe in yourself and embrace all of your curves (big and small). You have the power (no one else) to look into that mirror and tell yourself – you are OK. It’s our own Messy Journeys – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Change has caused my curves to expand. The extra glass of wine has caused my curves to expand. Change has affected my waistline and my perspective. Change has caused me to get stuck in the past, stuck in the unknown, stuck in fear over faith. Change has had me stuck (like quick sand)  due to the loss of father and all of the baggage that went along with it.  But we all (even me) have the power to change our perspective. We can turn the dark clouds into sunshine. We can SHINE bright and BE and move FORWARD. Faith over Fear! Courage over Comfort! BE IN THE PRESENT! We can love and be loved – but we all have to love ourselves first! We have to be there for ourselves. If we aren’t practicing the pause and spending time in the NOW and accepting the uncomfortable – we will stay stuck.

To answer the question – Why is the front windshield so much bigger than the rear view mirror? The front windshield of your car represents the present and the future and all of the wonderful and amazing possibilities and opportunities ahead of us. The rear view mirror represents the past and what’s behind us. There’s a reason the rear view mirror is so much smaller – the past is so much smaller than the GREAT future ahead of you.

This blog post is dedicated to the kind individual who found peace and solace in reading my posts. Who found comfort in knowing she wasn’t alone. If I can help one person through my messy journey, then it’s all worth it. Thank you for helping me to write again and start to BE again! Let’s all keep the rear view mirror small and the look forward through the front wind shield and embrace the change.

It’s not very easy to be a woman in today’s society. I don’t mean from a political sense or even from what you see on tv and movies (that’s a whole different soapbox). I am talking about the physical and mental burdens we women willingly (and I use that word loosely) take on in our daily lives.  We are “Wonder Woman” or at least we try to convince ourselves we are. I  like to pretend I can do it all at 100% but thanks to my anxiety I’ve learned I most certainly can’t and stay sane at the same time. Oh the battles we ensue within ourselves and our lives because we feel we must do it all and do it perfectly.  The big word here is “perfect.”  If we aren’t doing it “perfect,” does that mean we aren’t enough?  Enough for what? Enough for who? And what standards qualify Enough? Why does it have to be that way? Thanks to the beauty of social media and the picture perfect posts out there, we “normal people” doubt ourselves. I am so glad Facebook and social media didn’t exist when I was a younger. I thought it was hard enough to grow up with the Sports Illustrated swim suit models of the 80’s and 90’s…. but now we have posts of perfection all over the internet and social media. Perfect hair, perfect skin, perfectly perky boobs (as if you didn’t have kids), perfect family, perfect perfect perfect perfect. Guess what?? Nothing is perfect and no one is perfect. And most importantly – you are Enough just the way you are. Even through those perfect posts – they are not perfect.

I want to tell all of those tired moms out there – You are Enough and you aren’t alone! You are there for your kids, your family, your job, your house, etc…  We try to keep everything in order from the moment we wake up until the moment our eyes can’t stay open a second longer at night. I am very thankful for my own tribe and village of fellow moms as my supporters. We cheer on the successes and listen to each when the kids are being little shits. It’s not easy being a mom and certainly not for the faint of heart. I always tell people I have three kids (now four) my two boys, my husband and now my dog. Did you notice I used the word “my”? That’s because it all ends up being my responsibility to take care. I took on that role quite earnestly – I am helper, a fixer, a caregiver, and need to be needed. The Wonder Woman syndrome has definitely wreaked havoc on my life, my family, and my anxiety over the years. If you aren’t perfect, if things aren’t done perfectly, and if everything doesn’t fit into their perfect little boxes, there is something wrong. I am learning very very very slowly throughout my messy journey to accept that not being perfect all of the time or even some of the time – is Enough.

My own mother told me recently that she was talking to her tribe/her village about me and my anxiety. Apparently they were shocked to hear I had anxious feelings – because to them I seemed perfectly put together and calm. I laughed at their supposed usage of the word calm or anything perfectly to describe me.  I used to think it was obvious to everyone how I was feeling on the inside and definitely fell victim to my share of “mean girls.”  As I’ve grown older, the ability to mask my anxious feelings has become much easier (at least from the outside).  I still get the stomach aches and headaches and nervousness.  Being an extrovert definitely helps. I feel better around people with my pearl earrings, my Lilly Pulitzer, and my hair as close to in its place as possible. What I have also learned in this messy journey of mine – that I’d like to share – none of the superficial BS really matters.

What you have or don’t have… Where you live or don’t live… What you wear or don’t wear (but you have to wear something)… What you post…. 100% DOES NOT define you or make you Enough. Do you know what makes you enough?  YOU! Accepting and loving yourself for who you are – all imperfectly perfect throughout your own personal messy journey. Who cares what the internet and social media or anyone else for that matter says or does.  Who cares if you drop your kids off to school without a bra on and your breast-fed boobs hanging to your knees. Who cares if you have dark circles and smeared mascara under your eyes that you didn’t realize. Who cares if you butt jiggles a little (or a lot) more than it did in your 20’s? Who cares if you let your kids eat cereal for dinner regularly? Who cares if you don’t vacuum every day or if the dishes are piled up in the sink? Who cares if you didn’t have time to take a shower and fall asleep on the sofa.

Your kids (those little adorable beasts) love you no matter what you wear, what you do for a living, or what the dishes look like in the sink (as long as they don’t have to do them). At the end of the day, when they snuggle with you and tell you they love you right before they drift off to sleep (even when you still smell from the gym earlier that day) that’s what matters.

Moms – You are enough just as imperfect as you are!