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My word for 2023 is CHOICE

Choice is an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.

Webster’s Dictionary

It sounds pretty simple to think that we all have the innate ability to make a choice. But in reality, accepting that fact and making it wisely are two totally different things. As part of my messy journey and struggle with anxiety, I have realized that I have more choices available to me than I ever believed. This may sound all mumbo jumbo, but when you have anxiety, you feel like you have no control and no choices. Anxiety can be a paralyzing, heart racing, dizzy panic that can stop you dead in your tracks. Anyone who has experienced the moment when the room starts to spin, your left arm appears to go numb (when in fact it is fine), and the “oh no’s” echo in your brain – knows that it feels like you don’t have a choice. Instead, you feel like victim in your own body and mind.

When we were trying to move to Charlotte from Northern Virginia many years ago, I had probably my scariest heart attack (or what I thought was a heart attack – which was really a massive panic attack) ever. My husband had accepted a new position in Charlotte and traveled back and forth every weekend for almost six months. It was an INCREDIBLY challenging, overwhelming, and emotional time for both of us. Did I say that it was INCREDIBLY challenging, overwhelming, and emotional?

• We both worked full time in an office (not remote as the world does now).
• We lived in Northern Virginia and suffered through the horrendous DC commute to work. It could take me thirty-five minutes or two hours depending on the day, the sunrise, sunset, or whatever idiot caused a traffic jam.
• Our first son was only a year and a half old and had MAJOR… MAJOR… MAJOR issues sleeping at night. He also went to a Nanny/Sitter’s house for childcare every day. I should also mention that our beloved Nanny decided to move an additional 45 minutes away and doubled my commute to work during this time. There were days my commute one way was actually two SOLID hours. Can you imagine that? Two hours from the moment you left your house, dropped off your child at the Nanny, sat in your car, and finally arrived at your office.
• We were trying to sell our house and had multiple showings at all hours and all times. Anyone who has tried to sell their house knows that you have to keep your house spotless and ready to sell! And that is NOT fun or EASY. It is amazing how little respect realtors had for our situation.
• Oh, and we had a dog – who was having accidents in the house – and we had to coordinate with realtor showings.

So, one day after I dropped off my son at the Nanny’s and ventured on my long boring commute to the office (it was and an hour and half that day), I realized something just was not right. I knew I was beyond overwhelmed, massively sleep deprived, and stressed out to a breaking point. I remember sitting in my office trying to work but the room was spinning. I felt dizzy. I tried to eat whatever lunch I had prepared for myself, but the sight of it made me feel sick. My husband had flown out that morning back to Charlotte and I felt a great loss without him there. He was not even in the same state. I suddenly felt very alone and very scared. In those moments or hours later as, I am now sure how much time went by; a co-worker came into my office. I felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, heart racing and pounding fervently in my chest, my breath was short, and I swear my arm was going numb. “I think… I’m having a heart attack….,” I murmured.

Before I knew what was happening, I was carted out of my office, onto a stretcher, and into an ambulance. I can still see everyone watching from their office windows and I was rolled out of the building. On the trek to the hospital, I can’t even tell you what was going on. I remember the absolute and pure fear of death I felt and then thinking of my sweet little boy and my family. I kept telling the medic, “I can’t die… I have a son… I’m a mom… I’m a wife… I’m a daughter… I’m a sister…I have a life!”

The day was long and very blurry. I went through a series of tests and scans and monitors and then more tests and scans and monitors. Doctors came in and out of my hospital room and asked all sorts of questions (none of which I remember). After an exceedingly long, exhausting, and terrifying day, I was finally told that everything was fine. I was Ok. OMG – I WAS OK! I was not having a heart attack but was instead having a panic/anxiety attack from all of the above. My poor husband had to fly back home and rush to the hospital. He called our Nanny to keep our sweet little “not sleeping” son until we could get to him. All I wanted was to see my husband’s face and have my son nestled in my arms. As you can imagine, I was finally diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder. I learned in those months preceding that I do in fact have a choice. Instead of panicking my entire long commute to work, I chose to get books on cd and listen to in the car. Instead of rushing in the morning, I chose to prepare more at night and get up earlier. Instead of feeling nervous when my husband was out of town, I chose to feel more confident in myself and my abilities. Instead of skipping meals, I chose to eat healthier and drink plenty of water. Instead of believing I couldn’t do it, I chose to believe I could! While I couldn’t control what was going on around me, I could control some of what was going on in me. And I did it. We did it – well obviously, since we live in Charlotte now, lol. That moment which is forever etched in my mind was 16 years ago.

Except – I seem to forget at various times in life along the way, that I do in fact have a CHOICE. The “uh-ohs,” and the “oh-no’s,” and the “I cant’s” have a way of creeping in at times.

BUT

I DO HAVE A CHOICE.

And my friends – I am here to tell you that you have a choice too!