This is my messy journey and the anxious chronicles of my very recent covid vaccination experience. I am currently facing some of the after the Covid Shot anxiety and side effects. I thought that perhaps writing again might actually help me to calm down. I intentionally do not post anything about religion, politics, the news, or my personal view points. I will not talk to anyone about my personal decision to get the covid vaccine.

The mere thought of not knowing how my body will react to this shot or even what the potential long term effects could be have been absolutely terrifying. It’s had me massively anxious – massively worried – massively scared – massively (in other words a massive hot mess). I always worry when I take a new medication or if there is even the slightest amount of change. Maybe it’s not having control. Maybe it’s just the unknown. Maybe it’s just all part of my messy journey with anxiety.

Why I made the decision to get the vaccine doesn’t really matter. It’s more important to understand how getting the vaccine has made me feel. I thought I was going to have a panic attack and pass out when I got the first shot. The room started spinning, my chest got tight, and I started sweating (all of which are part of the major reaction symptoms to the shot). GREAT – my panic attack mirrored the symptoms of an allergic reaction. I also intentionally went to a healthcare facility to get my shot. I didn’t feel safe or comfortable with a grocery store pharmacist or a CVS pharmacy tech giving me my shot (since in my mind they aren’t medically trained professionals). No offense to anyone in those positions – it’s just a personal decision for me. I didn’t take a Xanax and wanted to put my big girl pants on and practice my anxiety tools. I was very blessed to have gotten the shot with one of my dearest friends who did a phenomenal job of keeping me distracted during the process. Ok phew 1st shot done and just a dull headache the next day. I was OK and YAY me – I did it! I was quite proud of myself for attempting to take control of my anxiety and make a very important choice. I felt good that I made it through my first shot relatively unscathed. But it’s not the 1st shot and the side effects that everyone talks about – it’s the second one.

As the time got closer for my second shot, I could feel my anxiety increasing every day. Instead of trying to work through my anxiety and practice all of my tools, I became very restless and sought to find distractions, food, and wine. My poor little stomach and nervous system absolutely can not handle all of that.

The day came this past Monday – 48 hours ago. Monday June 14th at 1 pm I got my 2nd Covid Shot and I was a massively anxious panicky worried freaked out MESS! I worked out earlier in the day which 100% helped, but the unknown is just too much for my brain. I also wanted to skip the Xanax and put those big girl panties right back on. I could feel my anxiety and my stomach swirling. As the clock ticked closer and closer to the time I needed to leave, I second guessed my decision to do this. I am causing myself this anxiety. I have the power to prevent this anxiety and prevent this all from happening. For a variety of reasons, my 16 year old son went with me for my second shot. Waves of panic and fear overcame me. I talked honestly to my son about my anxiety and how I work very hard to try to manage it. I talked myself in circles as we drove to the facility. What was my worst fear? Dying!! Having a heart attack and falling to the ground! I don’t want to die! I don’t want to do this! – Echoed on constant repeat in my head. The shot itself is quick and painless. The 15 minutes of “watch for a reaction time” is the worst. My anxiety mirrors all of the immediate reactions that they warn you about. I sat there in a cold chair with my son next to me trying to make jokes while my voice trembled with fear. Once again, I felt waves of dizziness, my chest tightening, my stomach swirling, and questioning all of my symptoms. I watched the clock until we it hit 15 minutes. Am I OK? Did I have a reaction? Was I really OK so far? I was a NERVOUS wreck. I credit my son with his sincere respect and concern. We talked honestly about anxiety and second guessing yourself and things. He feels like you miss out on life when you second guess it so much – so he feels good about his own decision making process. His thinking was so profound and so grown up that for a brief moment – he became the parent and I the child. These boys of mine, while they may make me crazy, they also challenge my own way of thinking and inspire me. The way they both faced Covid and the year of crazy amazed me. They had their ups and downs of course, but man they are so resilient, I’m both proud of jealous. Covid has made me less resilient, less confident, more anxious, more worried, and more fearful. They realize they lost a school year so to speak, but are excited to start school in the fall. They aren’t worried about the past or the future. They are both focused on right now – today! While I may not do a good job of managing my own anxiety, I have worked really hard to teach them the necessary life tools for their emotional success (too bad I can’t take my own advice). And these boys are pretty damn awesome!

My son smiled while he looked at me with eye brows raised after the shot was over and asked if was OK! Did I pass out and die? No I did not. Did I have any immediate side effects? No I did not. Was I still breathing? Yes I was. Is it finally OVER – OH HELL YES! I had worked myself up into such an anxious mess that I was still slightly dizzy, still lightly off, and still worried. We went to lunch, ran a few errands and had a nice afternoon together. I felt very blessed to have had the time with him. Over the years, I tried very hard over the years to hide my anxiety from my kids. It was nice to be real with him. Oh I love these boys of mine. I just have to learn that they are older now and they don’t need me as much. I also have to face my own anxiety and try to hide it anymore.

The hard part now was waiting, wondering, and worrying how my body would react over the next 12 hours. After a healthy dinner a couple of glasses of wine off to bed I went. I woke up restless several times but by 5:00 am I had a terrible terrible (almost migraine) headache and just felt off. I didn’t have the fever, the aches, or the pains – so initially I thought that was a win. But my head hurt, my stomach was rumbling, and my body was definitely trying to figure out what do next.

So here we are today, I woke up at 6:00 am with an awfully upset stomach. Do you ever have those parts of you that you really want to change? The way you react to something, the way you respond to emotions or feelings or triggers, or just the way you are. Today, I am facing a part of myself that I’d really like to change. I can not handle feeling extremely sick or nauseated. I can handle a mild headache or stomach ache considering I get them all the time. I can even handle a fever. BUT I can not handle my stomach being sick. I panic. I freak out and I overthink about overthinking. 48 hours after the shot and I feel absolutely awful. I paced the house trying to calm my nerves which only made me feel sicker. I wished I hadn’t done this. I started worrying about 5,000 things that haven’t even happened. I did try google, but found that my nausea was in fact a side effect of the vaccine (at least google didn’t say I was dying or about to die). In times of panic and worry and symptom checking – Google is NOT your friend. The internet should actually have a disclaimer…. “If you are going to check your symptoms, we suggest talking to your doctor not google!”

As my chronicle comes to an end (at least for today), I am feeling better as I go through my Messy Journey. My head wants a glass of wine, but my stomach wants to vomit. I’ve had to take my VERY anxious mind and rest and BE and just freaking STOP! I am worried I won’t feel better. I am worried things will get worse. I am worried about more side effects. I am worried about long term side effects. I am worried I won’t sleep good tonight. I am worried my my bubbling stomach won’t be better tomorrow. I need to stop the circling thoughts and watch DIY for the day. I need to accept the fact that it’s OK NOT to feel GOOD – That I will be OK!

May we all learn self care, self compassion, and the ability to just BE! May we all tell ourselves – WE ARE OK! Things happen good and bad and that’s part of life. The beauty of it all – the fear – the worry – the laughter – the cheers – the pain – all makes us who we are. But we have to make the choice to breathe and just BE! Making the decision and actually getting the Covid vaccine has been a true inner battle for me. I made a choice to willingly make myself sick. I could have prevented this anxiety, the side effects, the anxiety, but I made a choice. Why I made the choice to get the vaccine was my personal decision. My anxiety however isn’t so happy with me! I know deep down this won’t last forever – nothing does.

If anyone has had similar issues, I hope you will share your experiences and stories. Please keep any and all comments non political. Please also respect an individual’s to get the shot or NOT get the shot.