My Truth…

Covid and everything about it sucks. It just plain f—n sucks. I realized I jinxed it all in February and March, when I was absolutely, totally, and honestly just wishing for a break… Begging for a break… I wanted things to slow down (but to slow down on my terms). I was tired of driving kids to and from school, to and from practices and games, to and from activities with their friends, combined with working, managing the house, our family, and everything else that could possibly fit in between. I was desperate for a pause. The role of Julie the Cruise Director is exhausting especially when you include maid, chef, therapist, tutor, chauffer… And ANY mom out there knows exactly what I am talking. BUT – To the world out there – I am so sorry – I jinxed us all.  This was not the PAUSE I had in mind.

My Truth…..

I do not like pausing… stopping… slowing down.. Worse – being FORCED to pause. I only know how to go from zero to 100. My dear friend (my anxiety) really hates being abruptly and suddenly stopped in her tracks. She really does not like change of any form. And to push her OVER edge, let’s add in – Not having any control. All of those “things” cause the perfect storm emotionally and mentally.

My truth….

Covid has made my anxiety double if not triple.  The extravert in me definitely got depressed. The social people person definitely hated being STUCK inside. No gyms, no yoga studios, no manicures or pedicures, no massages, no shopping (except online), and no interacting. It is an introverts dream and an extrovert’s nightmare. No exercise, bad food choices, and enough wine to feed a third world country – And here I am, I am not pleased with who and what I have become.

My truth….

The isolation, the pause, the stop, the change, damn international pandemic, I am in a place where I need to lose weight and find another version of myself. A better version of myself. One that is not scared to see the number on the scale. One that looks in the mirror and is filled with self-compassion not self-loathing. One that is not scared to just BE.  And one that can finally let go and have some true peace.

My truth….

Sometimes I feel like I fail my children. I worry how much they will spend on therapy discussing how I did them wrong. Sometimes I feel so stuck in my house that I want to scream. Sometimes I worry I will never find a healthier me. Sometimes I feel like I will never the lose the Covid weight and will be stuck like this. Sometimes I feel like I do not know what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I just want to go back to college (of course I would know what I know now). Sometimes I just wonder when things will ever be normal again. What is normal anymore? And sometimes I just wonder if anyone else feels this way. 

My truth!