Accountability is the quality or state of being accountable. An obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions. The fact of being responsible for what you do. The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable. The obligation of an individual or organization to account for its activities. An individual has accountability for acts and behaviors. Sometimes accountability means admitting you made a mistake.

Patience is the ability to endure difficult circumstances such as perseverance in the face of delay; tolerance of provocation without responding in annoyance/anger; or forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can have before negativity.

I say all of that to formally hold myself accountable and give you a chance to hold yourself accountable.  Every year I make these grand new year’s resolutions and commit to taking better care of myself, losing weight, etc, the normal staple resolutions. And every year, I get side tracked and lose sight of the present moment. Instead of allowing myself to move forward and backward and just redirect and keep going, I get upset that I let my resolutions slip. This year I decided to make one simple new year’s resolution – to have more patience for myself. I am disappointed to admit that I am already not sticking with it… How hard can it really be to have patience for yourself?  Don’t they say by the middle of January all new years resolutions pretty much go out the window. I didn’t pick anything extreme or anything stereotypical for a new year’s resolution. I simply chose to have more patience for myself. It really is hard that hard to practice self compassion.

I had one solid week of mental clarity, focus and dedication. I even did a juice cleanse for one day to get a hard reset. While the juice cleanse day was VERY hard mentally – I felt so much better after it and was fueled to push myself to infinity and beyond. I even joined a Burn Boot Camp (which is WAY out of my comfort zone). I cut back on wine and watched what I ate (avoiding gluten and dairy). I was tired and definitely going through some withdrawal – but my insides started to feel better. BUT – And a BIG BUT – my anxiety stepped in – life’s moments stepped in – and I got derailed. After a solid step forward to taking better care of myself and pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I went backwards.  A week without exercise, making bad food choices again, and having an extra glass of wine and I am embarrassed to admit it, but I sought food for comfort. I have an extra glass of wine for comfort. It’s hard to feel uncomfortable emotions and have anxious feelings. I personally would rather make a u-turn and so I did just that. It’s also very hard NOT to beat yourself up for taking a step backward. We are our own worst enemy, our own worst critic, and the worst at negative self talk. We are kinder to others than to ourselves. It’s time for that to change.

“To thine own self be true.”

I am writing to be accountable to myself. I am writing to honor myself.  And I am writing to tell you to be accountable to yourself and honor yourself. This too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. Anxiety makes us feel like we are stuck in this same place and will never get out – never escape. Discomfort also means you are on the path to something bigger.  Discomfort means you are pushing yourself to something new and its very scary.  Discomfort often times means you are changing old habits.  It’s very scary to be in the middle of “no longer and not yet”.  But it doesn’t last forever and once you are through that place of discomfort and anxiety and stress, you will be all the more stronger (inside and out).

Part of my personal set back has been the arrival of our new puppy. Oh she’s precious and we all love her dearly, but she’s a puppy that needs a lot of work and a lot of time. And she doesn’t sleep through the night every night. It’s like having a new-born again. The lack of control, the lack of routine, the lack of solid sleep, and just pure change has sent my anxiety into an uproar. I don’t have a lot of patience for myself when my anxiety starts talking in my ear. The OCD feelings or really the “Oh My God please just do it the way I want and need now.” Having a puppy means patience and lack of sleep and chaos. Anxiety means you can’t control the situation and an extreme fear of being stuck in this moment of discomfort forever and ever and ever. The panic comes into play when you feel like you can’t handle the change and just want to make a u-turn.  The middle of the night wakeups and the early mornings have done a number on my anxiety, my sanity, and my midline. This messy journey of mine has just gotten a lot messier (literally and figuratively – thanks to potty training a puppy).  I have been cleaning up more shit lately and it’s exhausting and disgusting. I am stuck in this place being tired and overwhelmed and anxious (fearing I will always be in this place). I’m too old for this. I see now why its best to have kids when you are young. I feel like I have a newborn again and I am anxious and feeling very very very old. I have been feeling anxious or really having anxious feelings. I can’t control this dog immediately – it takes time and patience. And I am stuck in the fear it will always be this hard. In all honesty, she’s a very sweet lovable dog who absolutely follows me EVERYWHERE (including a very awkward moment when she followed me into the bathroom and proceeded to lick my butt cheek.  At that point I half laughed, half cringed and knew I needed to set some immediate boundaries.  She has VERY sharp puppy teeth. Did I mention her teeth are very sharp? And realistically, she’s only 14 weeks old.  I know it will get easier…. blah blah blah. I know this too shall pass. I know I can do this, even though I keep telling myself I can’t. I let the lack of sleep, the food, the wine, and the fear of change take over. I forgot my mantra – “Courage over Comfort.” I forgot to be good to myself. I forgot to tell myself I am OK. I forgot that it’s ok to keep going to redirect. I made a wrong turn but I can very easily redirect and get right back on track and that’s totally OK! And you can too… And most of all I forgot to have patience for myself.

That’s why we call it a messy journey. We need to continue to find that midline and find peace and patience in the middle of chaos. And remember that we can redirect and we will be OK no matter what. And YES YOU CAN ! You can be accountable and practice self-care and move on with patience.