Anyone from Virginia or who has traveled through Virginia on 58 – knows Emporia, VA.  After a very long, exhausting, and emotional week to settle my father’s affairs, I was about an hour and a half into my drive back to Charlotte near Emporia when I saw the flashing blue lights behind me. As I was coasting down one of the hills on 58, my speed may have exceeded slightly over the speed limit. My son loves to fly up and down the hills and I love to see the smile across his face.  I enjoyed a moment of increased speed. The little voice in my  head warned me to be careful, but I continued along my merry little way. My thoughts were all over the place, my car was packed to the rim with my dad’s stuff, and I was thoroughly exhausted. The alarm went off at 6:30 am that morning so that we could get on the road early. We pulled out of the driveway at 7:35 am.  Yes I said we. I took my kids with me and they missed school for a week. Bad mom for sure, but in their own way, they were able to say goodbye to their grandfather.  I am confident I tortured them with my crazy emotions, my extreme need to organize everything, and making them do the schoolwork they were missing. After all – this wasn’t a normal “fun trip” to Grandma’s house. Coasting along the hills gave my thoughts a chance to pause and just enjoy the moment. I was able to just focus on the smile on my sweet little son’s face. My blissful moment was very short-lived when I passed the two parked sheriff’s cars at the bottom of the hill and fell into their speed trap.  Emporia, VA is known for their sneaky speed traps. They love out of state license plates too!  The speed limit changes from 65 to 45 to 35 to 55. As I pulled over the side of the road with my heart pounding, the blue lights flashing, I did think of using the “my dad just died card,” but decided against it. The officer gave me the normal speech – “Mam do you know how fast you were driving? The signs are clearly marked.” I tried to say that I didn’t realize the speed had changed, but it was pretty worthless, considering he walked back with a ticket.  My one son was laughing that his mom actually got pulled over and my other son was worried. My anxiety initially wanted me to focus on the negative and start swirling my thoughts around. Maybe it was everything I had been through that week, maybe I was in a different place, but  I started to laugh instead of cry. I mean seriously laugh! At this point, all I could really do is laugh. Ever since my father went to the hospital in August and received his shortened life span, I have been all over place – LITERALLY. It’s been pure chaos, nothing and I mean nothing has been simple or easy in this process. Maybe the whole death and dying thing isn’t supposed to be easy. Life isn’t supposed to be easy – it’s messy at times (sometimes more than not). And my father was not easy either. While I did actually receive a parking ticket, in the grand scheme of things, it just didn’t seem that important. For the first time ever, I was able to rationalize with myself. Somewhere in Emporia, VA, I realized that I’m not where I once was. I also realized I am not where I want to be – but I’m a lot closer….

Honor the space between no longer and not yet. 

During our messy journeys, we often lose sight of our ability to laugh and have self compassion. We don’t give ourselves the credit we deserve or practice sufficient self-care.  It’s OK to take a few steps backwards, that’s part of life and part of this process.  It’s OK to lay in bed and watch Hallmark movies. It’s OK to not be OK.  It’s OK to have emotions but it’s also OK to feel them. You can go backward to go forward. Anxiety tries to convince us we aren’t good enough or we can’t do it. Anxiety tries to tell us we are not OK.  Look at all the amazing things you have done and look how far you have come. Don’t look at where you “think you should be” because remember THE SHOULDS = THE SHITS.  We do have a choice to take a chance to make a change. And that change starts with our perspective of our own messy journey and being OK. And it’s OK to get a speeding ticket in Emporia, VA and realize you are in between!