Do you ever feel like things have a funny way of catching up with you?  Well – I woke up at 5 am with a terrible stomach ache and heart burn last night. At first, I practiced my yoga breathing to calm my overactive mind. You can calm yourself with your breath. Rapid thoughts usually mean a rapid breath.  As I watched the clock, I started to think of all the things I have going on and need to do. The over thinking started…. and then came the over thinking about the over thinking which seems to always be magnified in the middle of the night. The quiet of everyone else in the house sleeping and the darkness around me only spurred my nerves even more. I didn’t google my symptoms – so that’s a plus.  It’s just been a while since I had a middle of the night anxiety attack.

I have been on autopilot for the past few months. I think the world and chaos around me – finally caught up to me. The emotions and feelings I have been trying not to feel – caught up with me in the middle of the night. The gluten and dairy I shouldn’t be eating – caught up with me.  The extra glass of wine – caught up with me.  Feelings I don’t know even know how to feel – caught up with me. There is something to say for too many distractions. I was warned to be careful not to distract myself too much. When you distract yourself too much, you don’t slow down and you certainly don’t face hard emotions or feelings or situations. And I am tired. Avoiding emotions is exhausting.

The beginning of August my father entered the hospital and we were told he had maybe 3-6 months to live. His heart was failing and I was solely responsible for his care. My kids went back to school and my non-profit work started to kick up full force, so  I was plenty distracted. The stress of my father’s condition and everything that went along with it, caused me to exercise less, eat more foods that I shouldn’t and drink a little bit more wine. My sleep has suffered too. My father fought this transition every step of the way – definitely a difficult patient. He was in denial that his life was going to end soon. I battled my own emotions with our relationship and yet at the same time the extreme need to do everything I could to help him. I was mad and sad and angry and worried. My father (with or without his faults) was in fact – my father. It was that simple. It is that simple.  I am a fixer and a helper (anxiety makes this worse) and I was determined to fix this for him. But a pending death can’t be fixed. Maybe I was in denial too. As the month of August ended – his condition and his mind were drastically changing. He was angry and bossy and trying to control anything little thing he could. Hurricane Florence was about to come through the area. Initially his location was going to be hit the hardest and in that moment of worry for this storm, my father gave up. He realized he didn’t have the power to get into his car and drive away from the storm.  Odd because he used to love to drive down to the oceanfront to either surf the waves or watch the waves as hurricanes came through.

During the month of September, I watched my father (thanks to daily face times and phone calls) slowly deteriorate. Watching this process and managing this process was emotionally draining. Suddenly, I didn’t want him to die. I made sure I did everything I could for him and talked to him every day. When he couldn’t talk, I did all the talking.  Luckily I have the gift of gab. I made sure I told him all the things I thought he needed to hear and I needed to say.  After dealing with anxiety for most of my life, suddenly I felt different, my anxiety felt different. I was facing something terribly hard and facing death (my big anxiety worry) but I was OK. I started to think maybe I am stronger than I thought. I am stronger than what my anxiety always tries to tell me. This realization came to me slowly as I was able to stay busy with my kids and their sports and non-profit work. I was still standing, I was still functioning. I had moments of sadness but I kept myself in this place of denial. I haven’t written about his death or talked about it very much. I am not good at feeling these very complex emotions yet it all caught up with me last night. No more distractions – time to just grieve and feel and know it’s all OK. Anxiety tries to tell you – you are not ok and you can’t do it. But you can do it and you are OK! I can do it and I am OK!

On Saturday, September 22, 2018, while I was talking my father’s nurse on the phone, she sent me a picture of him as she stood by his bedside.  For some reason I didn’t want to face time like I’d been doing every single day. Seconds after that picture was sent, he took his last breath. I was planning a trip the following week thinking he was going to hang in there longer. At least I was there without physically being there. This process hasn’t been easy. He hasn’t been easy. He was never easy. And death is certainly not easy. I no longer have the option to talk to him or see him ever again. This finality is the part I’ve struggled with the most and probably will for quite some time. I know he was appreciative for all that I did for him. I know he loved me and was very proud of me. I know he is now in a much better place. I know that he is now finally at peace. He is surfing some amazing waves up in heaven.  I now know that I can find my own inner peace too.  I’ll always have anxious thoughts, but I am also learning that I have some strength. And so do you! Deep inside and hiding behind that anxiety is a strong person.  I know it’s a process. Grief caught up with me last night so I would finally just allow myself to feel the many emotions circling in my head and stomach.  Sometimes the things we don’t want to deal with are very the things we have to.  And that’s all part of the messy journey. And that’s OK!