My son and I watched the movie a dog’s purpose last night. If you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend you consider renting it. I wish life was as simple as the movie and the way the dog “Bailey” quickly discovers his purpose with each family he visits. My anxiety earlier this year started bubbling around because I felt I didn’t know what my purpose was. I knew what I wanted to do, but I wasn’t quite sure how to get there.  How am I going to get to where I think should be? How do you get from point A to point Z when you can’t skip any steps? My kids are growing up and don’t need me as much. I found myself wishing they were little again. Time seems to be moving so quickly. I blinked and my son is now taller than me. How did that happen? Where did my little baby go? The idea that I didn’t know what my next move was made me very anxious. It’s so crazy to want change but yet at the same time be very scared of it.  I am however, learning to live in the unknown and in the uncomfortable.

Throughout this very uncomfortable process with my father and his ailing health, I have learned so much about myself and who I am. I’ve also learned about forgiveness. I had the biggest self-awareness revelation recently. Everything that has happened in my life has brought me to this very moment. This moment with my father. If I hadn’t gotten so anxious earlier this year and questioned my own thought process, I never would have started my journey of self discovery. I never would have created this blog. I never would have been able to do this without being an utter and complete basket case.  My relationship with my father has had its ups and downs over the years. We have our family dynamics (everyone does). It’s been very challenging to be responsible for the care of my father. I couldn’t push him away or run away this time, I had to stay and face it. I knew that if I didn’t help him or give him the love and support he needed, I would always regret it. My purpose has been to help my father find forgiveness in himself and in others. My purpose lately means I have to care of my father (whether I want to or not) AND I have to. It’s a unique situation being filled with so many conflicting emotions. I have compassion and empathy and frustration and anger. It’s not fair sometimes. Life isn’t fair sometimes. But it’s all about the choices we make to deal with our life and everything around us. Perspective really is amazing. One simple thought or action, can change your perspective. It’s the shift from being positive or negative.  I have chosen to take care of my father.

I received “the call” from the nurse yesterday afternoon. “The call” is the one when hospice says “he doesn’t have much longer.” You really are never prepared to hear those words. The anticipation of his impending death is quite scary to me. We have been stuck in this very uncomfortable place.  I won’t have the option to talk to him any more. I won’t have the option to visit him. I won’t  have the option to call him back later. I won’t have the option to be mad at him. I won’t have the option to hug him again. He will be gone.  He was gone a lot when I was a kid but no matter, he always came back.  He won’t be able to come back this time. And I have no control over it (anxiety hates NOT having control).  I have no control over his choices, but I do have to fix everything.

I was able to face time him last night and tell him he was going to be ok, that I forgive him and asked that he forgive me. I told him how much I loved him. I couldn’t stop the tears. He was completely unable to speak. As the tears streamed down my face like a river, I knew in my heart I have done everything I could and should have done for him.  It’s so surreal to have an image of my father in my head and to see him now. There’s no comparison.

The apprehension for that final call is 10000000% making me anxious. I want him to finally be at peace. While I really do want him to be at peace, I hate the thought of him truly being gone. I am quite confident the final “call” will happen today/tonight (so expect another blog post). I will be thankful to my father for helping through my messy journey and to learn that I am stronger than I think. I am OK just as he will be OK!