Life is like my favorite childhood book – “The Little Engine That Could.”  We have the ability to over think and convince ourselves that we can’t do something (when in all honesty we 100% can). We stop believing in ourselves and our own inner strength. We overthink about over thinking.  We take one little thought and allow it to spin in circles until it almost becomes our reality (the key word here is almost). The overthinking anxious thought isn’t “real” it’s more of our own mind trying to convince us we can’t.  Anxiety turns on the fight or flight mode in our bodies and our minds and it’s exhausting.  Anxiety tries to protect us and tries to convince us we can’t do things…. but we can.  We do have control over our actions and can change our thoughts by simply saying… I think… I can…. I think…. I can…. Just like the hill in the story, things can appear like you can’t do it.  As you start your messy journey up the hill, you realize, I think… I can…. The hill appeared too big or too steep or too long, but the little engine kept saying I think…. I can… over and over again until he realized he could do it and he did do it! If we just talk to our anxious feelings, take it day by day, and say I think… I can… We truly CAN! I wonder how many times I can say the word CAN in one post… CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN !

I have been battling my latest messy journey and learning how to get up that hill and say I think… I Can… My father’s health is drastically declining and I am suddenly responsible for everything.  I am responsible for a man I’ve struggled to have a relationship with throughout my life.  I have to make decisions for a man who is extremely stubborn and difficult. I have to figure things out and figure out what to do.  He is my father.  I had been able to keep my anxiety in check for quite some time. I even started to feel stronger than I’ve ever felt almost like a different person.  BUT – between lack of sleep, a few glasses of wine, and trying not to “feel,” I suddenly felt like I can’t. And then I remembered my favorite book – The Little Engine That Could.  The “hill” of dealing with my father dying does look quite daunting. It often times doesn’t feel like I can carry the load up the hill. To make it worse – I don’t want to do this… I don’t want to be responsible.  I know I have to… and I know I can… just like the little engine that could.  I just have to take it step by step and day by day. I also need to hug and love the heck out of my little boys.  Life goes on. I told my father I’ve got it and I will take care of you. He is a shell of the man he once was.  I never really thought his life would end like this.  I said three of the hardest words for me to say to him – “I Love You.” I will know when he does pass that I’ve done everything I could to help him and will not live with regret. While this is sooooo very hard and challenging, I can do it! Situations like this can really change your perspective about the world around you. The sky is bluer, the birds are louder, and the moments are precious. As you go through your messy journey and try to climb up those hills, remember to say “I THINK I CAN…. I THINK I CAN!” And you can!

The Little Engine That Could

In a certain railroad yard there stood an extremely heavy train that had to be drawn up an 
unusually heavy grade before it could reach its
 destination. The superintendent of the yard was 
not sure what it was best for him to do, so he
 went up to a large, strong engine and asked:
 “Can you pull that train over the hill?”


“It is a very heavy train,” responded the engine.


He then went to another great engine and 
asked:
 “Can you pull that train over the hill?”


“It is a very heavy grade,” it replied.


The superintendent was much puzzled, but he 
turned to still another engine that was spick
 and span new, and he asked it:
 “Can you pull that train over the hill?”


“I think I can,” responded the engine.


So the order was circulated, and the engine
 was started back so that it might be coupled
 with the train, and as it went along the rails it
 kept repeating to itself: “I think I can. I think
 I can. I think I can.”


The coupling was made and the engine began
 its journey, and all along the level, as it rolled 
toward the ascent, it kept repeating to itself:
 “I —think —I can. I —think —I— can. I —think— I —can.”


Then it reached the grade, but its voice could still be heard: “I think I can. I—– think—–I—–can. 
I —–think—– I—– can.” 
Higher and higher it climbed, and its voice
grew fainter and its words came slower: 
”I ——-think ——–I——-can.”


It was almost to the top.


“I ———think”


It was at the top.


”I ———can.”


It passed over the top of the hill and began 
crawling down the opposite slope.


’I ——think——- I—— can——I—– thought——I——-could I—– thought—– I—– could. I thought I could. I thought I could.
 I thought I could.”


And singing its triumph, it rushed on down 
toward the valley.