You never know what is going on in someone else’s life. You never know the struggles, the challenges or the triumphs that got someone to where they are now. You never know – because you aren’t in their shoes.  Our society tells us we have to judge a book by its cover. We don’t try to understand the pages of someone else’s life.

What you don’t know is that I’ve had my own struggles, challenges, and triumphs. I’ve learned more about myself the past few years and even more so recently. Life is a constant journey and often times quite messy.  I don’t like change and I have anxious feelings. I am learning to accept and embrace all of me – including my faults. This past week I learned that my father has a very limited time left to live on this earth. We haven’t always had a good relationship, often times quite strained. I struggled with most of his life decisions – even now.  It’s hard to balance the need to help someone and at the same time the need to run far away. Did I say run far away? I am a fixer and a perfectionist and worry I will feel guilty if I don’t do everything I can to help him.  But you also can’t change someone. Oddly enough, there’s still a part of me that wishes I could. My father’s heart is only functioning with an infraction rate of 8% (that alone has qualified him for hospice).  He’s extremely stubborn and set in ways and quite frankly a pain in the ass. Yes I’ve repeatedly told him that too. He usually thinks I’m kidding and laughs, yet we both know he’s difficult.  He just doesn’t always admit it.  BUT he’s also my father.  The strains and struggles from the past are part of my messy journey but they don’t define me. We all have our strains and struggles but we also have triumphs and blessings.  And I have my triumphs and blessings as well. I am very grateful for the opportunity to be my best self (as hard as it may be). I read a quote once that really inspires me.

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

What you don’t know is that along my messy journey I have to fight several of my biggest fears all at once this week.  It is very overwhelming and quite frankly testing my anxious feelings and my sanity, but I’ve got it! I am OK! Thank goodness for wine!

• Death and everything that goes along with it especially when you are the person who is in charge
• Flying on an airplane (as I am flying home to visit my Dad)
• Potentially say goodbye to a parent
• Leaving my children for the weekend
• Change – School is starting soon (one week)
• Feeling uncomfortable

What you don’t know is that just typing those fears made me feel anxious and better all at the same time (if that’s even possible). We have to face our fears right? Death is part of life… Sometimes we don’t understand the how or the way.  Forgiveness is part of life…. We have to forgive ourselves and others to find peace in our own messy journeys.

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet at the same time there is no peace without forgiveness.”

Life is so unpredictable you never know what’s coming ahead, but at a point in life you start to realize who matters, who never did and who always will. You also realize what is important and what really isn’t. You don’t want to “PEE” on today with one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow. So embrace your messy journey today!