Attack of the “WHAT IF’S” on the open road…  As you know from my post the other day, I was battling some massive travel anxiety. I know we all feel some type of travel anxiety but it affects each of us differently. Those of us with true anxiety, know that one simple thought, one little worry, one tiny concern, can trigger a landslide of what ifs and over thinking. Yesterday was my big drive home to my mom. The same drive I’ve made several times a year for more than ten years. Yes I said ten years… Crazy right – to still worry about a drive I am so familiar with? This was nothing new, nothing unexpected, and nothing out of the ordinary. The first hour of the drive is always mentally the hardest for me. My kids were distracted with their movies and iPads so I was left to my own worried thoughts. Now you know as well as I do that anyone with anxiety being left alone to their thoughts can be quite daunting especially on the open road. During this first hour, I tried a book on tape, but couldn’t get there mentally to pay attention. I tried music, but my worried thoughts got louder. I tried talking to my kids, but they were busy distracting themselves (which I should be proud of what great travelers they are).  The what ifs pretty much started immediately:

• What if I have a panic attack in the car?
• What if I can’t breathe?
• What if I have a heart attack while I’m driving?
• What if I fall asleep at the wheel?
• What if we have an accident?
• What if my car breaks down?
• What if I can only make it half way and get stuck?
• What if something bad happens?
• What if I can’t relax?
• What if I get dizzy?
• What if my head ache gets worse?
• What if the drive back is bad?
• What if I can’t drive back?

I think I soon started what if’ing the what if’s? As the drive continued, I started to calm. I started to ignore the what ifs (well somewhat). I knew once I got to my mom’s I would be OK.  But it was that battle to fight the fear of the drive and the fear of changing my already “stuck” routine. Isn’t it funny how we can get so bored with our routines and almost desperate for change, yet scared shitless to make that change (or really any change).  How could I not be happy with my kids and my mom at home? DUH – that’s a no brainer for me. So as the drive went on, I started to feel slightly (not totally empowered) that I was fighting through the fear and actually was OK! And I was going exactly where I wanted to go…  We made it safely to my mom’s house in six hours. None of my what if’s happened – NONE! Those pesky what if’s attempted to attack me on the open road – which is pretty scary – but they didn’t win. And that feels really good. I am slightly embarrassed at how many what if’s crossed my mind on that drive. And slightly embarrassed to publicly admit it – but that’s why I created this blog.  What’s so funny is that I actually took myself out of the NOW and even worried about the drive home later this week…. Now that’s all anxiety talking. If I could only get myself to STAY IN THE NOW! 

I practiced distractions (a trick I learned when you are sitting in over thinking too much) – find distractions. There are only so many distraction options you have when you are on the open road and while being attacked by TONS of what if’s. So I started making calls to friends. Who can I call to talk to? Let me get my brain focused on other things. Who do I need to follow-up on? What do I need to do?  After a while, by not giving as much thought to the what if’s in my brain, they slowed down. I listened to music and then I listened to Oprah. As I am sure you have discovered, I am a HUGE Oprah fan.  The best book on CD ever – What I know for Sure. If you haven’t read it or listened to it – go get it ASAP. She speaks to those of us with anxiety or anything really that is holding you back from embracing life and being in the NOW. She talked about finding JOY, but also recognizing JOY. And most importantly she talked about SELF CARE. Why don’t we do the things we do for others for ourselves. Why do we always come last?

As my what if’s are still back there in my mind, but much much quieter, I challenge myself and others to find JOY in your life. I have decided to practice gratitude and keep a journal by my bed. Every morning and every night, I will write a few things I am grateful for and also what I like about myself.  We are so quick to put ourselves down! BUT no more my friends – YOU MATTER!  YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!  YOU CAN DO IT ! It’s amazing that just saying those words can shift your perspective. It could be as simple as opening your eyes with another chance to have a better day, to make a difference, to help someone, and most importantly to embrace our own messy journeys.