I know the word trauma sounds like I am over reacting, but I just get VERY nervous going to the dentist. I even get nervous for cleanings (yes its embarrassing to admit, but admitting it is half the battle right?). I hate the idea of the my mouth being stuck open and in a chair unable to move.  I start to panic by feeling paralyzed in the dentist chair. The bright light, laying down, the sound of the machines and the drills, and suddenly the room seems to be closing in and I feel dizzy.  I’ve had my share of dental work too; two root canals, a few cavities, crowns, veneers, and now the dreaded implant.  Yes I said implant. I actually put this off for almost 5 years.  I had a root canal done about 20 years ago and it was horribly painful. Would you believe that dentist is no longer in practice and had malpractice suits.  WOW! Lucky me! Long story short, the crown on that tooth kept falling off over the years.  The dentist finally said, “you need to get an implant.” I even went and got a second opinion only to hear the same thing “you need to get an implant.” The idea of the implant terrified me and I mean terrified! Did I say terrified?!  Every time I went in for my cleanings my dentist would say the same thing “you need to get an implant.” I’d laugh and say I would make an appointment before I came back again. Guess what – I never made that appointment until recently. I decided my anxiety had started to take over my life. I was afraid to do things. I desperately wanted change but was also afraid of it at the same time. So what do you do next – You face the fear and make an appointment to get an implant. I had that implant this week. Of course, my husband was out of town – figures. One of my very good friends went with me to the appointment. I wanted to be in control and chose NOT to have the sedation. I’ve never been sedated and worried if I did I wouldn’t wake up. That’s when the what ifs started circling in my head. What if I pass out in the dentist chair? What if I have a heart attack? What if I did the sedation and didn’t wake up? What if? What if? What if? My head was spinning.  I decided to take my .25 mg of Xanax and pepto instead and bring a friend. My heart was pounding. I laid down in the chair with my legs crossed. I warned the dentist I ask questions. And man did I ask questions. I can’t look at the needle as it goes into my mouth.

Once the needles came in to numb my mouth, I cringed, worried, panicked, and just wanted it over ASAP.  I suddenly wished I had NEVER made the decision to this. Then came the extraction (removal) of my tooth. It was really stuck in there and did not come out very easy. I was numb now, but it still felt very uncomfortable.  As soon as the tooth was out, it was time to drill the hole into my jaw for the implant (aka the metal screw in my bone). Just the mere thought of a metal screw in my bone was enough to make me anxious.  The next part of this process was way more uncomfortable and actually caused me some pain. Do you know what that means? More needles and more novacaine.  The drill into my jaw was NOT FUN. I think it actually made me feel very dizzy. I should have done sedation. The more nervous and anxious I got, the more questions I asked. I could tell the dentist was getting annoyed. I think he would have preferred I was sedated too – LOL.  The feel of the drill and the sound of the drill made my heart pound. The dentist struggled to get the screw to attach to the bone. Just when he was about to give up, he got it and I was already sore. I have TMJ (yes more issues) and get lock jaw and always need a bite wing to help keep my mouth open. Doesn’t that sound fun? Let’s stick something in my mouth to keep my mouth open! UGH!  More anxiety.  I had tremendous jaw pain and a headache.  I am sure the headache was from my nerves, the xanax, and from keeping my mouth open too long. I was so ready for this process to be OVER….  The dentist finally packed it up and started with the stitches. EWWWW stitches – not fun either. Over and over in my head, I kept thinking why the hell am I doing this. My mom swore it was fine. She said it’s not as bad as a root canal. Well I beg to differ. IT HURT! I was so numb and sore when we left the office. My dear friend stayed with me for a few hours (while my anxiety started to calm). The dentist wanted me to take pain medicine (an opioid), a steroid, and an antibiotic. I was like uh no. I was worried about taking pain medicine – what if I had a reaction? My husband was out of town and I have two kids what if something happened? What if I got addicted? And the what ifs and worries continued. So I didn’t take the pain medicine. I also didn’t want to take a steroid. I was afraid of side affects and more what ifs.  So I didn’t take the steroid. Once my worries settled, I was proud of myself for facing my fear and finally doing this implant. The implant is more of a symbol of what I can do. What I have always been able to do.  A symbol of accepting myself and learning to fight through the anxiety again. I had become obsessed with finding ways just to make the anxiety go away and not be a part of me. I am learning VERY slowly one key piece of healing – ACCEPTANCE.  I have to accept I do have anxious feelings. I will always have anxious feelings. And guess what – That’s OK and I’m OK.  Now I don’t wish everyone got an implant to face their fears. But sometimes we have to go through pain to see the light.